Awareness changes nothing

I have been diligent in reading about other couples who are dealing with a deployment and how they ended up fighting all the time before he left because the tension was just so high. I would read those while sitting on my soapbox thinking, we won't do that because we love each so much and we won't want to waste any time with fighting.


There, I said it for you. Yes, I thought I could make things ok as long as I prepared the best I could for all that was to happen.


We have fought, I have cried, he has shut down and together we are miserable. We are polar opposites. I want to be closer to him before he goes. To hold on to our memories and make a few more before he leaves. To be the couple that we were when we decided our lives wouldn't be the same without the other. To hold on to something that just isn't there anymore. And he is shutting down. Closing off from what he probably feels will hurt him in the long run. Me. The kids and our lives together.

Part of me says fight for it, keep working on it, keep letting him know that you love him so much. But the rest of me is just so tired. Emotionally, I'm drained. I'm exhausted. I walk around with this crushing feeling in my chest every day now, and I don't know how to fight for something when the other person is just so far away, emotionally. Do I think he loves me? Yes, but I don't think he can show me the way I desperately need him to right now. Should I be more understanding? Yes, I think I should be and I do try to understand, but it hurts so bad when you want to be closer to someone because you love them and they won't allow it for whatever reason.

How do you not break during this time?

1 Comment:

  1. liberal army wife said...
    sometimes you DO break! but this is his way of coping, and you have yours. Unfortunately, they aren't compatible. Just understand. that's all, just understand that he's already, in his head, deployed. that he's protecting himself from the actual parting.

    Hold on if you need to, but again, understand you may be hurt when he doesn't hold on too.

    I wish we all could help you more, but we can't. this is a lonely business, going through predeployment. Your FRG will be going through it too, so don't expect too much help. Soon, after they actually leave, you can try to reach out for them, but they each have their own way of coping also.

    take care.


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