Timing is everything

WHAT?! I replied in an unedited response. He caught me so off guard that I had no time to fake my reply like I usually can for some odd idea he comes up with. He said he wants to have a baby when he gets home...........mouths dropping open and the clear sound of thuds can be heard throughout the room. This was not part of the plan. This was discussed far in advance of us getting married. This after I've been working my butt off to lose weight. Down 32 lbs and in the gym 3 times a day and he wants to come home and make me fat again??????

Sigh, and the emmy goes to........ME!!!! I actually recovered quite quickly and said that I would be open to discuss it when he comes home and we'll decide from there whether we can or want to do that. I'll pause now for your applause and amazement. I am hoping it's just a legacy thing that comes up when someone faces mortality. Don't get me wrong, I know he would be an amazing father and I don't want to take that right away from him, but I already have screwed up 2 kids and I don't really want to mess up another one!

Then he comes out with one of the most amazing things I have ever heard him say and honestly the first time I have had a glimpse into his heart since he's been gone and I felt guilty. Guilty because I'm selfish, guilty because I just feel so empty inside that I'm honestly scaired of him coming home on leave because I'm afraid he's gonna think I hate him because I'm so used to being in off mode. Guilty because I'm still angry about how our relationship has been during this deployment.

Every conversation brings something new to ponder.....but nothing this heavy so far.


I have had a difficult time posting lately....I guess I got sick of hearing myself rant....which I think was at least healthier because it was getting out. But here it goes......

There have been a lot of changes in the past couple months. My health, I'm down 31 lbs so far my blood pressure is amazingly good and I feel great. I just joined a gym and people actually accused me of drinking today because I was so giddy when I got done. I just loved it...I can feel it in my body and it feels awesome!

I have started my own business and I'm loving it. I am loving putting effort into something for me and my family and just for us. I am determined to be free in the next few years and not have to be bound by the shackles of my desk any longer! Hey, send me an email if you might be interested in a shot with is legit, trust me!

I am busier than ever and will be going back to school online for some more degrees. I just don't stop anymore. But here's the thing. As much as they are positive outlets and I'm enjoying them, I know I am just using them to run from the changes that are happening inside me. Changes I can't and won't admit to anyone. I did try, I really did.

No more....

Why? Two more families changed forever. Another phone call with the news no one wants to hear. It doesn't matter if I know them personally or not, it's still a loss that I feel deep within myself. Thankful that it isn't my family and yet guilty that I would think that. I've heard that that kind of thing is normal, but it still doesn't make me feel like a great human being.

My dad said that he was wondering how much longer it would be before I finally accepted this reality. He said he knew I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything about this year and he's said he's almost glad that I am finally not hiding. But I'm not. It's easier to pretend all this isn't real and it doesn't affect you. It's easier to not worry. It's easier to find something stupid to be angry about because then you aren't feeling the fear and loneliness. I liked my oblivion.

Newer Posts Older Posts Home

Blogger Template by Blogcrowds.