Where do I go from here?

Am I alright?

That's a tough one to answer. One that I have waited and put a lot of thought into.

I have started my own internet business that has been my light. It's giving me the ability to dream again and believe that maybe someday, it will all come true. I'm starting back to school for online courses on the 2nd of September. I'm making more of an effort to be a better mom to the kids and I'm really taking a look at the things that truly matter the most in life.

But in the areas where this blog counts, I'm not ok. In those areas I'm so lost that I truly want to block them all out and pretend that none of them exist. This war robbed me of my dreams for a family again. It robbed me of a man that I thought would be my best friend forever. It robbed me of the ability to trust effort that I had to consciously make after 10 years of not trusting anyone. My pleas fall on deaf ears. Crying evokes anger and anything other than superficial conversations are too much of a bother.

What this war gave me was my anger back. It gave me the absolute need to reach for something bigger than myself. It gave me the independence that I had given up when I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Somehow, I don't think the scales are balancing though.

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