The talk.

We talked a little yesterday about some things that were bothering me about what is happening to us. I know if there are any guys reading this you're probably feeling his pain about having to have a girly talk about feelings. But, I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't sleep and being near him was making me feel like a trapped animal. This is the man that I love and committed my life to and I couldn't be near him. Ignoring those feelings didn't seem to be an option.

Of course, as most men do, he shut down in the beginning. I explained to him that I can't live this way anymore. I can't do limbo. Either I have to shut him out of my heart completely or we need to work on this. He's always told me that together we can handle anything and our strength as a couple was grounded in our ability to talk to each other about anything. Yet here we were, facing the biggest and scariest thing in our relationship and we can't talk about it. I just had had enough. I told him I needed him and I need his help and of course he snapped at me about what do I want him to do. He doesn't have answers for me. All this time, he thought all I needed was to know exactly what was going to happen, what it would feel like, how long it would last, etc. That just wasn't true. What I needed was to know that he was feeling stuff too. I felt like I was so alone in how I was feeling and I started to feel like I was crazy. He said he thinks about stuff all the time and I told him I just need for us to be able to talk through this together. To handle this obstacle in our lives together. I just can't do it alone.

Once he was done feeling like I was just being a girl and really heard me, he calmed down and he promised he would start opening up more. This is all new to him too because last time he deployed he didn't have a family waiting for him at home. I can understand that, I can understand anything, just not pretending this isn't happening.

I really want my friend back. The one that I could stay up all night and talk to about anything and who could talk to me about anything. I don't need some fake bravado or "protection" from the truth. I want the real stuff. I want to feel normal again. I don't want to feel so alone lying next to my husband anymore.

Thinking about stuff...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe that's why I haven't written, I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words. We watched the movie Home of the Brave last night. It was so hard to watch it because some of the things that were happening in the movie, I worry about with my husband. What will things be like when he gets home?

But lately, I don't even know what to feel. It's going to be happening soon and yet I feel almost a dead feeling inside like I'm anxious to get it over with, the him leaving part. I don't know what to act like with him. He's been different too. He says he's happy and still want to be married to me and have our lives together, but something inside him is different and it isn't good. I never used to feel like I had to do damage control with the kids because of him, but now I do. I never thought I would have to walk on egg shells with him, but now I do. The stress of all of this is truly wearing me down and I just don't know how much I can take.

Is loving someone enough? I know marriage is hard and we've had to wade through things that normal newlyweds don't necessarily face so early on, but will we be ok? Will I want to be ok? I'm just so angry and hurt and scared. I love him and want to grab on to him and hold him and at the same time I want to run as far away as I can, just to feel normal again. He says I'm the perfect wife, but I'm not and I carry these feelings inside me like I'm living a lie. I'm lost and right now, I don't want to be found.

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