Rookie Army National Guard Wife

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe that's why I haven't written, I just don't know how to put my thoughts into words. We watched the movie Home of the Brave last night. It was so hard to watch it because some of the things that were happening in the movie, I worry about with my husband. What will things be like when he gets home?

But lately, I don't even know what to feel. It's going to be happening soon and yet I feel almost a dead feeling inside like I'm anxious to get it over with, the him leaving part. I don't know what to act like with him. He's been different too. He says he's happy and still want to be married to me and have our lives together, but something inside him is different and it isn't good. I never used to feel like I had to do damage control with the kids because of him, but now I do. I never thought I would have to walk on egg shells with him, but now I do. The stress of all of this is truly wearing me down and I just don't know how much I can take.

Is loving someone enough? I know marriage is hard and we've had to wade through things that normal newlyweds don't necessarily face so early on, but will we be ok? Will I want to be ok? I'm just so angry and hurt and scared. I love him and want to grab on to him and hold him and at the same time I want to run as far away as I can, just to feel normal again. He says I'm the perfect wife, but I'm not and I carry these feelings inside me like I'm living a lie. I'm lost and right now, I don't want to be found.