It's probably just me

I'm in a horrible mood today. So much has been going on in the last 3 weeks that I think I'm finally having my melt down about it and by melt-down I mean that I'm feeling angry and bitter and like a trapped animal that has to get away. My parents used to have a campsite that I would escape to and has been part of who I am since birth, but this year they decided to move the trailer to a new place that has more stuff to do because of the kids and it won't be ready until next spring. BUT, I need to get out!!!!! I need that someplace to escape to and since I have kids taking a unguided road trip and sleeping in the car won't be happening.

Now mind you, I have PMS this week and it's possible that what I'm feeling is solely related to that, but I also believe that the things that I successfully shove into the recesses of my dark little mind during my "sane" weeks comes out because I'm weaker and can't fight them as well.

My most distressing issue right now is that I'm sick of changing things all the time. Is he coming home this week, will he have to go somewhere else, how long will I get to see him, when is he leaving for real, how long will he be gone.......and on and on. There are NO answers and if you're part of the military you better just suck it up and deal with it. My life, that I had been so controlling of just a few short years ago is spinning our of control at the whims of other people and there is not one thing that I can do about it!!!!

I really just want to be a family and worry about stupid stuff like what's for dinner and is there enough detergent to do all the laundry today. No thoughts about war or living or dying or loneliness or fear. Just planning a family vacation for next year. Christmas shopping together without wondering if this will be our first and last christmas together. Oh sure, you all may think I'm messed up and I would have to agree, but this blog is about me being honest and honestly I wonder everyday if I finally found my sole mate only to have him ripped away from me after a short time together. We've been married for 5 months and have been together for 3 of them. Woooo......hooooo.

I love the man with everything that I could love him with and I would never want to be apart from him, but I hate this life and I don't know how to make the two work together without sacrificing something. I just have been feeling lately like I'm carrying my own rucksack and it's so heavy and I just want to put it down for awhile.


Post a Comment

Newer Post Older Post Home

Blogger Template by Blogcrowds.