The Big F

Well, I failed again. Today is day 7....until about an hour ago I was pretty darned proud of myself for not being a blubbering mess about my husband being gone. I had the mindset that he would be gone for 3 weeks and not to even think of him coming home sooner. So last night he kept asking me how many days until he got to come home. I honestly didn't know because I was being sane this time around. Well a week has gone by and today I sat at work and counted the days until I would get to see him again and I really felt sad because I missed him. So doesn't he call a little while ago and tell me they are sending him for another week. So true to form I show an emotion and he gets mad. He can call and tell me how much he misses me but I tell him that I'm sad because it's going to be even longer now and he gets mad at me and tells me I'm jumping all over him and what do I want him to do about it. I'm done. I honestly can't give any more of myself. I don't even know what a true feeling is anymore because I'm afraid to show any. If I don't show that I miss him then I'm glad he's gone and where's my new boyfriend. If I do get upset that I miss him then I'm jumping all over him.

He told me we would figure this out and make it work and my response although cold and very unlike me was that there was nothing to work out. There is no compromise to be had. He is a soldier and I am his wife. There are no choices in this military life. I told him that I enjoy being with him when he's here and I have to learn to block that out while he's gone. I don't know what else to do, but I'm sick and tired of being yelled at because I care. I asked him if he would think it was weird if he told me that he wasn't coming home for another week and I told him, "cool!". I mean, aren't I supposed to miss him? Then it dawns on me that if the roles were reversed he wouldn't feel like I do. He's never had to wait for me. I've always been there right when he needed me everytime he needed me. He's never gotten the phone call that I was going to be late coming home from work let alone gone another week. All I know is that I failed myself. I put up a wall that held strong until I let him in. Now I'm left with a pile of bricks, a tissue box, and a headache.


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