It has truly begun

I returned home after visiting with my husband to say our last goodbyes before he leaves on his deployment. Everything seems so surreal right now. Like I wasn't even really there and none of this is truly happening. He cried this time when we said goodbye. I was surprised. He is always so soldierish that I didn't think he would ever let it go like that. Oh, not that he was balling or anything but just to see a tear slide down his cheek was something.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. Part of me wants to break down and cry for all that I feel like I'm losing but the rest of me wants to shove it somewhere away from me and just move forward. Part of doing that is so silly because things that happened in our relationship that bugged me that I never really dealt with with him are the things that are crossing my mind and I'm actually getting angry all over again. I've always known that the easiest emotion to feel is anger, but the timing seems a bit ridiculous.

So, this is the beginning of the real journey. I don't know where it will take us, but if you keep reading, I'm sure you'll find out all the good, bad, and the ugly.

Forgive me

Forgive me for my moment of being a girl, but......................

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (jumping up and down clapping like a kid)

Tomorrow.......looking into his eyes........seeing him in front of me..............laughing with him over silly things..............just being together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh, I cannot wait. 3 days of being together and a 12 hour drive where he is all mine on the fourth day.........thank goodness for passes.

I will blog more soon, but for now, I have some reaquainting to do........

This week!

I get to see him this week and I can't wait!!!!!

Getting closer

If I were counting the days left I would tell you it is only 10 days away and I will once again be in his arms and all this blubbering I have been doing will have to be put away so I can enjoy our last days together before he is off American soil.

Sometimes I feel so proud of myself that I have made it this far and without any major public melt downs. Oh I have had them, but in the privacy of my room at night or the bathtub with bubbles and a beer. He still has no idea the hell that rages inside me every day. He said he will find this blog someday so he can know all of what I've been saying and I told him he is free to read but I would ask that he wouldn't until he is home for good. He asked why and I told him that the purpose of the blog is to get the things off my chest that I don't want to burden him with and if he read it now, it would defeat the purpose. He then apologized for putting me through this. A small part of me wanted to say that yeah, you volunteered for this....this was your choice to go and no one made you, but you felt an obiligation to the guys more than you did for us....but really, at this point, would it matter. So I said that I knew that he was going to deploy when we decided to get married. It was the catalyst at least to us getting married. That I won't lie and tell him that everything is roses but that this really sucks worse than anything I have experienced in my short little life, but if I have to go through this year to get to a lifetime of us being together then it will always be worth it. He said that's exactly what he needed to hear, and in a way I knew that it was. Did I mean it, yes...unequivocally, but I am still scared about this next year. This has only been 8 weeks so far.....there are still 52 more to go......WTF?!?!?!?

I have read other wives blogs and thought to myself that they have had it much worse and it's much suckier when your hubby is active military. I don't know if I could do it. I have always had a fascination for the military (no not just the uniforms, although it is a benefit). But I have to say that if, God forbid, our relationship doesn't work out I will never date or marry anyone in the military. Not because I don't respect and honor them for being heroes because I do, but I don't think there will be anything left of my heart to go through this again. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to our military heroes, but it takes just as much a hero to love them and I don't think I'm there.

Back with ya....

It's been awhile...I had a fun time with the stomach flu that my daughter graciously shared with me.....but we are all better now. So the news for this week is that as of Friday it will be 2 weeks and I will get to see my husband again for 4 days!!!! I'm so excited and so nervous at the same time. I don't want him to see me cry. I've been doing so good while he's been gone that I can hear in his voice that he has regained his confidence in being there because he isn't worried about me. I need to keep it that way, but I just want to curl up in his arms and let it all out because he always makes me feel better and safer. I need to keep it together. I have so much to do before he comes home....I can't believe it's been almost 7 weeks already.....and I feel like I have accomplished nothing! Now I'm in panic mode.

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