Getting closer

If I were counting the days left I would tell you it is only 10 days away and I will once again be in his arms and all this blubbering I have been doing will have to be put away so I can enjoy our last days together before he is off American soil.

Sometimes I feel so proud of myself that I have made it this far and without any major public melt downs. Oh I have had them, but in the privacy of my room at night or the bathtub with bubbles and a beer. He still has no idea the hell that rages inside me every day. He said he will find this blog someday so he can know all of what I've been saying and I told him he is free to read but I would ask that he wouldn't until he is home for good. He asked why and I told him that the purpose of the blog is to get the things off my chest that I don't want to burden him with and if he read it now, it would defeat the purpose. He then apologized for putting me through this. A small part of me wanted to say that yeah, you volunteered for this....this was your choice to go and no one made you, but you felt an obiligation to the guys more than you did for us....but really, at this point, would it matter. So I said that I knew that he was going to deploy when we decided to get married. It was the catalyst at least to us getting married. That I won't lie and tell him that everything is roses but that this really sucks worse than anything I have experienced in my short little life, but if I have to go through this year to get to a lifetime of us being together then it will always be worth it. He said that's exactly what he needed to hear, and in a way I knew that it was. Did I mean it, yes...unequivocally, but I am still scared about this next year. This has only been 8 weeks so far.....there are still 52 more to go......WTF?!?!?!?

I have read other wives blogs and thought to myself that they have had it much worse and it's much suckier when your hubby is active military. I don't know if I could do it. I have always had a fascination for the military (no not just the uniforms, although it is a benefit). But I have to say that if, God forbid, our relationship doesn't work out I will never date or marry anyone in the military. Not because I don't respect and honor them for being heroes because I do, but I don't think there will be anything left of my heart to go through this again. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to our military heroes, but it takes just as much a hero to love them and I don't think I'm there.

1 Comment:

  1. liberal army wife said...
    thats the place to do the meltdown, in privacy and by yourself. but, when you need someone, get some counseling from a counselor that understands military. civilians don't do it, sorry, but if you can get one through the unit (ask your Rear Det Sgt) or through Military One Call.


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