Avoiding It

Ok, I haven't posted for awhile and as I thought about it last night I think it's because I've been trying to avoid the subject. But, of course I watched Army Wives and the men got deployed and I think I cried out my guts for a good hour or two afterwards. Thank goodness my husband was at work.

How do you say goodbye? I mean, all I keep picturing is wanting to give him one more kiss, one more hug, and trying to find "THE" best words to say how I feel that will last him until he comes home. What do you do when one more hug and kiss still isn't enough? I don't want to be a mess when he leaves and to have his last vision of me with a red face and runny nose and sobbing uncontrollably. Not the image I want him to carry with him.

I wrote him a note last night and stuck it in a pocket that I'm hoping he will find at the most appropriate time when he needs love from home the most. In it I tried to verbalize without being morbid that no matter what, I will love him the same as I do now. I waited for my first 30 years for someone like him and I can't and don't want to imagine spending my last years without him. And let's be honest, he is going to war. I have no guarantees that I won't or that he won't come home the same. But I wanted him to know that I would stand by him, and that I would love him forever. It seems kind of arrogant to speak of forever when everyone says that when things are good. I just hope and pray that the kind of person I want to be for him is the kind of person I will be for him.

A friend recently asked how I was handling knowing his deployment is coming up. My response was the only way I could think to answer her and make it make sense to someone not experiencing it. I said this: this part is like going up the first hill on the roller coaster, you know each click is bringing you one step closer to the drop, but you're on the ride and you can't get off now. Once you get to the top, you have to go with it because there are no options.

I love him with all my heart. There are no options for me because the alternative isn't anything I want to even consider. So, I'm getting on the roller coaster with him and we're on our way up the first hill. But when that ride is over, I want him to still be by my side so we can head over to some more boring vacations, doctor appointments, picnics, buying a house, whatever.....just no more hills......please.

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