I'm in emotional limbo. Well not really. I'm still being a girl and still emotional about all this. But I feel so drained. I feel like I could not possilby cry another tear but yet they keep coming. He's been different lately. Withdrawn and quick to get angry. But he tells me he loves me all the time and still wants to fall asleep holding me. I think both of us don't know what to do with our emotions. I want to pull away sometimes just to stop feeling sad but then I want to cling to him and suck every last second out of our lives together before he leaves. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.
This week he leaves for his 3 weeks. I'm hoping that for both of us we can sort out our emotions and what's going on inside us and find some peace to enjoy the rest of our time together. I don't want to screw it up. I've heard so much about how the pressure gets to the families and they argue a lot before they actually leave. I don't want to see that happen to us. We had a talk last night lieing in the dark in our bed about how we've been feeling lately. He said he's scaired because it seems like all the guys he's deploying with or has deployed with are having problems in their marriages or have girls on the side. He said he's scaired that he won't be the same when he comes back and that I won't love him anymore. Ironically, I worry that he won't be the same when he gets back and that he won't love me anymore. We've always had some of the same insecurities but what has saved us from ourselves in the past is that we usually don't suffer from them at the same time. This time we are.
There are so many open-ended thoughts. I don't know how long he'll be gone. I don't know if I'll get to see him on his leave after training before he deploys. What will it be like when he comes home? Will we survive this as a couple? I love him with all that I am and yet I can't be naive and think that things can change. He's a proud man and if something happened to him I know he would try to push me away thinking that I deserve better. That's what scaires me so much. How bad it will hurt to love someone that has decided he can't love you back.
Godspeed.