Today I don't like myself. I am weak and not at all who I used to be before I allowed myself to love again. I used to be able to shut anything off. Not feel it, or be affected by it unless I chose to be. But now, I am unable to do so and I am angry with myself.

It gets closer and closer and inside I am full of explosive emotions that I can't share and I can't let out because I have no outlet for them. I can't tell my family because they would just say that I knew what I was getting into, and I did...I know. I can't tell my friends because why make it akward for them to try to decide what comforting words they can offer when they have no idea. I can't tell my kids for obvious reasons....they're kids and should never be burdened by my emotions. I can't tell my husband because everytime I try he shuts completely off. So where am I left? Those family meeting will be starting soon. I have never been to any and I am loath to rely on a stranger in a time of emotional crisis. When we had to go to the church for pre-marital counseling I shook the entire day because I was so nervous. Stuff goes in....I was not built for it to come out.

So I cry in my car on my way home from work. I cry in the shower. I cry after he falls asleep. I cry while I cook on the grill. I cry when I walk the dog by myself. And yet I never feel any better because what I cry for I can never change. What if I am not strong enough for this? I am so scared that when he comes home he won't love me anymore. That our life will pale in comparison to what his life was for that year. That during that year while he is gone I will be afraid to talk to him and to only hear the soldier in his voice and not my husband. That I will crave his love so bad that I will become hardened from not receiving it. That I will find out that I am the most selfish wife he could have picked for himself.

He leaves this week for training for the next month. I want to be strong enough to make it without crying. I want this to be the practice test so that I know I will be able to pass the final. But I am so scared.


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