Rookie Army National Guard Wife

The ticking is getting louder by the day. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel anymore and I'm finding that I'm just shutting down a little. I feel like every moment should be special before he leaves and that magic should happen every day, but that obviously stupid. Regular life is well, regular. No magic, no parades, no kodak moments.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive the year. That's so selfish I know. He's the one going through it and all I have to do is stay home and hold down the fort. But how am I supposed to act like everything is normal and great knowing that the only man I have ever truly loved is half a world away and in danger???? No, I am not the only one who has to go through this. Thousands of wives and husbands have done this and will continue to do this and somehow they survive, despite the outcome. However, I am scared and is my being scared an omen or just normal?

What is it going to be like to sleep in our bed alone? How many times will I look in his closet and try to picture him standing there in his clothes? How many sleepless nights and tears will fall? How many times will I freak out when I don't hear from him for awhile? How many headaches because of the stress?

I have already begun to make plans to keep myself busy. I want to have some things done on the house so that it will be ready to sell when he gets home. I want to start doing real estate part time again. I'll still be doing things in school. I'll still have the kids and the dog. I'll have a new career to take on. And yet somehow I have this feeling that when it is all said and done, I will still be laying in our bed awake and wondering and listening for that phone to ring, just in case.

It's the just in case that I know will make doing all that stuff harder.....