I will, at times, suddenly get tears in my eyes and want to curl up and disappear from everyone and just cry as hard and as long as I can. But I don't. I do take moments during my shower when I will just let the tears fall amidst the water, but even then I have to be careful becaues we have reached that comfortable place in our marriage that he feels he can use the bathroom while I'm in there either showering or doing my hair or makeup. The jury is still out on that one from me, but I digress.
In three weeks I will have to say goodbye. I don't have a choice and I don't have an option of feeling anything about it at this point. It is going to happen regardless. He will start talking about deployment stuff and I find myself drifting off where before every word out of his mouth was like water to a desert nomad. I just don't want to get near it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to plan it. I don't want to figure out what we are going to do. I don't want to know what I have to do in case something happens to him. I don't want to cry anymore.
But I do.
I cry everyday in my own silent way because the only man I have ever truly loved is leaving and I don't know if I will ever see him again. And no I'm not thinking about him not coming home to me physically, but what frightens me more is him coming home but never being him again. My dreams for the future all had him there....him, the man he is. What if he doesn't want our life anymore when he gets home? What if he suffered so much that he will never be able to love again or be loved? There are those that would say to not think of such things, but I am a realist. And realistically, those things could happen.
How am I going to say goodbye?
1 Comment:
-
- KL Grady said...
December 30, 2007 at 5:05 PM::hugs:: I'm doing the same thing right now. It's hard, and it sucks, and it's completely unfair. We will get through it. Maybe in a hundred shattered pieces we'll have to put back together again, but we WILL get through it.