I have decided....I know which is worse....it's definitely the up and down. I thought the deployment would be unbearable but I was wrong. I had actually gotten to the point where I was dealing with it and I was ok. I knew it was coming and all my worrying about it wasn't going to make it better or change it. So, I finally reached a place inside myself where I felt some peace.
BAMMO
I have good news. He was offered a job at the armory here in the states to fill a position that needs to be filled while they are deployed. So that was dropped on us last month. He actually told them he would have to talk to his wife about it before he told them if he wanted it or not. I looked at him and asked him if he actually thought I would prefer he deployed. Talk about wanting to smack someone. But in a poised and dignified response I said " Oh Dear, that would be lovely if you were to be able to remain home." Ok, maybe it wasn't quite like that, but I said that it would be wonderful. We both operated under no delusions and upon his going to the armory the next day we both knew that this was going to hurt us in the end, so we continued to live and have discussions as if he will be deployed.
I fought and fought to not even think of it. To not think that we would be together for our first anniversary, that he would be home for our first christmas as a family, that he would be able to help me decide what to do with the house, that we could go camping on the weekends, that he would be by my side almost every night when I fall asleep. No, I didn't think about all that stuff at all.
I'm lying to you all......I thought about it and got sick to my stomach because I knew I was setting myself up to be more hurt, more angry, more betrayed when it all fell out from under us. He was supposed to find out today if he got the job. When he called last night (he's away for training again) I asked him how they were going to let him know. He said he would be back in time to sign the papers. In my confused civilian way, I said "I'm confused" he said "oh I got the job." Just like that.....no guess what?!!?!? Nothing.....I asked him if he wasn't happy about it and he said he was, but I don't think he is now. I think he's going to feel guilty that he isn't going with his guys and he will change his mind.
My stomach is ripped to shredds. I have a steady diet of tums now. So many ups and downs. Never knowing how to feel. For I think the first time last night, I didn't want to talk to him. I told him he sounded tired and he should get some good sleep, but honestly I just didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want my happy bubble to explode quite yet. And I don't know how much more my system can take. I can deal with him staying (obviously) and I know I will find a way to deal with him going (like I was beginning to), but never knowing what will happen today is overwhelming me.
Besides, what will I do with this blog if he's here? Eh, I'm sure I'll find something to gripe about.