What I got into

Being the wife of a soldier is frustrating! He's been gone so much during our marriage that I realized that I saw him more while we were dating. I want to be with him but the other part of me feels so angry and helpless to do anything about it that I want to shut him out. Keep him away from my heart that hurts so bad sometimes that I can feel it inside me. I can't talk to him about it because he just gets angry with me. Sometimes I feel like he wants me to love him but only during the times that he has scheduled for it. If I stray from that time period then he's mad.

So, you may ask why do I love him then. I can't honestly say anymore. All the things that were there before are either gone or so few and far between that they are only memories. But I still do love him and that's why it hurts so bad. And if one more person tells me I knew what I was getting into while I'm sad that my husband isn't here I will lose it!!!! Yes, I knew he was in the Army, did I know how exactly it was going to feel to miss him so much and be worried so much, and to not sleep so much, and to be scared so much, and to be frustrated so much, and to want to hide from anything that might hurt more so much.......NO!!!!! I DID NOT!!!! I'm sorry I may not be as strong as all those women out there that can look at me and tell me that, but they have never been married to the Army. They have never had to give up control over their own lives at the whims of "report here tomorrow...." "stay longer" "we don't know when we are sending you home"....and my personal favorite "spend time with your family before you deploy" (except they always tell them this while they have taken them AGAIN and they are there and there is no more family time left. I wish I could just dance around my days and sing that line to myself...."laa laa laa I knew what I was getting into.....laa laa laa" and everything would make sense and all my emotions and thoughts would go back to the way they used to be before all this, but stupidly enough, I can't or don't or whatever, but it doesn't happen. Maybe I could find a group that could teach me the ways of "staters of the obvious" but until then I'm left to my own devices and pillows to cry into at night.

Nothing smells like him anymore.....I can't picture him there anymore.....I cringe when the phone rings because I want to talk to him so bad, but I'm so afraid to....I'm afraid I'll give away the fact that I love him so much and I miss him and then he's going to get angry and be mad at me and we'll leave a conversation like that and I'll have to live with it until he calms down enough to call me again. But yeah, I knew what I was getting into.


  1. liberal army wife said...
    ok. first of all.. you aren't nuts, ok? WE all hurt when they leave, we all hate the Army at times. The idiots who tell you "you knew... blah blah" aren't worth your time or effort.

    Yes, we are scheduled, it's easier for THEM to deal with separation that way. Us... not so much.

    You guys need to talk about this, he needs to understand that you are missing him, but you also need to understand that he's not MAD at you, he's mad at the situation too. And if you are telling him you can't handle him being gone, he's frustrated at his inability to just tell the army to take a flying leap and come home to you. So.. from an old married (30 years now) old army wife - let him know you miss him, and you wish he was home, but that you CAN handle this, and that you understand. Screaming and yelling, do that to us, the "sisters" you didn't know you had. WE have done it too.

    As for the smell.. have him wear a T shirt, take it off and put it in a Glad or ziploc bag, seal it up REALLY tight and mail it home. you can either put it on a pillow, or keep it in the bag and sniff when needed... yeah, we have all done that one too.

    If you haven't already found it, - a good place to meet a bunch more military wives.

    My blog is open too.

    Dear dear Rookie - it's hard and lonely and frustrating and not for everyone, being a military wife. I was a National Guard wife for a long time, we just went through a 22 month (16 months in the litter box, 6 at training) so I think I can say - been there, got too many Tshirts to show for it. Now we are Active.. and it's not much easier, other than he's home right now. But I know we have at least one more deployment ahead.

    So remember, you aren't alone. WE are out here, and you just need to ask for the help.

    laura said...
    Just leaving you a big "hug" - sounds like you need an extra one.
    Have faith- you'll be ok.

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