Countdown

1 day +3 minus 2

Yes, you read that title correctly. I found out last night that the last weekend I thought we would have, we won't have. I can't take one more thing. Everything gets taken away. Everything has changed a thousand times. Just grin and bear it, Kim. You don't matter one bit.

I just want it to be over, this up and down. I want it to begin so my only concern can be that I miss him and wondering how he is doing. I feel like I'm fighting a battle alone against enemies that keep changing so they are always fresh. They never tire of the game that is making my insides raw. I had to leave the house last night so I could go to the river and sit in my car and cry. A real, rip it out of my guts cry. Because I'm sick of hiding aroung the house trying to be ok so that he doesn't get upset. I'm sick of being what everyone else needs. I'm sick of the stupid things people say to you that's supposed to make it all better. I'm sick of pretending that I'm ok. I'm sick of being awake!

This is a raw post and for that I apologize, but I have to say that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest last night. I couldn't breath and yet I wanted to scream. I wanted to not love him so it wouldn't matter. I wanted to pretend that this doesn't have anything to do with me and that it doesn't hurt. I don't know what to do with myself. My thoughts bang in my head and my heart feels like it will explode. I hate this. I hate all of this. With every fiber of my being I wish that he didn't need to be a soldier. That he didn't volunteer to do this because the other guys were going and they are brothers. I wish I mattered more to him that he wouldn't have wanted to go. I wish I would have never loved a soldier.

But I did. I do. I love him more than I have ever loved another. Yet, I look at him and wonder, what is so special about this man that makes me want to stop all life around us for just one look from him. One moment with him that matters. One anything with him. Does he feel that way about me? I have no idea. He can't show much emotion right now and that is its own bitter arrow in my heart. When he tells me that he will always be here for me, it mocks me. It actually hurts because I want to scream back at him, "No, you won't be. You chose to leave me. You chose someone else was more important that us. You chose the war over our relationship." But I can't scream any of that stuff. It matters only to me. It hurts only me. It is the pain that I carry in my rucksack, and now I'm starting my 400 day march.

2 Comments:

  1. Ceece said...
    it doesn't only matter to you. It matters to him as well. but I'm sure it's just hard for him, after all he's a soldier. He's supposed to protect everyone from everything. Including you!

    I know exactly what you mean about them changing shit up.

    My husband was gone for the birth and first three months of our sons life for basic training. Which he was supposed to have already completed but because it's one big clusterfuck, kept getting pushed back.

    The other day he came home from drill and said he'd signed up to go on a 21 day tour of Bulgaria.

    He also has to be gone for another 4 months to complete his officers training.

    Granted he's not been deployed YET, but damn, when it gets to that point how much more can we take?

    My prayers are with you guys every single night before I go to bed!
    Kelly said...
    I don't know what is worse....having them keep changing the information and ending up with more time or having them take it away. Stay strong....

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