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New Army National Guard wife

Thus we begin the journey together....

I am new to blogging but I thought it would be a beneficial avenue to get out my feelings in the middle of the night so that my friends still will remain friends with me! I am newly married...just a few weeks now...and already my husband is gone on training. I know, I know...it's not like he surprised me and told me he was in the military after we got married, but it hasn't made it any easier. I miss him. Most of all, I miss who he is when he isn't wearing that uniform. He changes when it's on. I know he has to, but it's hard to watch the loving man I know get locked away. When he calls I want so badly to hear him say the sweet things that he normally does and hear that he loves me in his voice, but I don't and it hurts sometimes.

He is supposed to be deploying next year and I can't help but wonder, who will he be when he calls me from over there. Will I know him? Will he still love me? Will he miss us? Will he come back and return to the way he was? I get so scared when I think about it, but I realize that what he will experience while he is deployed is something that I will never have to experience and therefore can never fully understand the inevitable changes that will take place inside him because of it. Oh, believe me, I want to understand. I want to be able to have the magic words to make it better. Or wrap my arms around him so tight and squeeze all the bad out, but I know that just isn't possible. So, in the mean time, while he is just away on training I sit here and try to make myself stronger so when he deploys I am ready. I'm failing, miserably. I hate looking at our bed and wanting him to be there. Getting a wiff of his cologne on the pillows and wishing my head was on his chest and I was safe and happy again. He only lived in our house for a week after we were married before he left and yet I feel his absence so acutely.

During the days I work full time and I go to school full time 2 nights a week and there's a house to take care of and 2 kids who have lives to attend to and I keep going and doing and I'm fine. But the nights are hard. He calls and I want to spill out my feelings and tell him how much I love him and miss him and yet I know I can't because he is there and he is a soldier. He tells me he loves me but it doesn't have the passion it does when he is home. Oh God, I miss my husband. The one not in the uniform. The one that I can fall asleep better knowing he is beside me. The one who will absent mindedly rub my leg or my hand when we are sitting close just to let me know he's there. The one who makes me laugh and holds me tight when I cry. The one who if he saw me crying right now would wrap his arms around me and just love me....I miss him.

3 Comments:

  1. BE As Supportive As YOU CAN BE said...
    Well for all the New to This and the Feeling Guilties, Let me just say you are not alone. I have been married for almost 20 years.(September) My husband is in the National Guard and this is our first deployment. I hate it!! I still cry myself to sleep at night. We have three daughters, 20, 17, and 14. The two oldest have had four wrecks in six months and the 17 year old also got stopped for speeding. We own our on accounting business. My oldest is pregnant. I worry myself sick about my husband and children so much that I have made my bedroom my shelter. That is where I feel the most comfort. I sit in my bed, with the laptop, doing my work, just waiting for the minute my soldier pops on yahoo messenger to talk to me. Those treasured times. The rest of the world comes to a halt while I talk to my soldier. If the laundry doesn't get done, food doesn't cooked, or the accounting doesn't get done(til 3 in the morning) I get to talk to MY SOLDIER, and that is all that concerns me at that time. I have been put on antidepressents and told that I had to come out of my coccoon. So yes ladies, I am trying to be the supportive military wife and mother that I know MY SOLDIER would expect me to be even if low and behold I have to force myself to do it. Why you might ask? Because I am a Soldier's wife and that is what we do.
    bshel said...
    I know exactly how you feel, my fiance is in the National Guard as well and all the feeling you say you have had about your Soldier being deployed I am having about my Soldier as well. My Soldier is also in traning right now to be deployed as a matter of fact we should know tomorrow if he is leaving and all I have done is cry because I hope he fails so he doesn't leave but yet I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know we all have to stay strong and be there for one another. Good luck with dealing with everything...you are in my prayers.
    wifesupport_07 said...
    Give me greatness of heart to see
    The difference between duty and his love for me.

    Give me understanding so that I may know when duty calls him he must go.

    Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.

    When he's in a foriegn land, keep him safe in Your loving hand.

    And when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield.

    And Lord, when this deployment seems so long, please stay with me and keep me strong.

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