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Guilt

I feel guilty. I can't help it. Today has been hard being away from him. So, I thought I would try to put things into perspective by reading blogs from wives whose husbands are deployed. So far it has made me feel guilty about feeling the way I do, but it hasn't lessened it.

I guess what it boils down to is that I am selfish. I want my husband to be by my side. I want to fall asleep and feel him next to me. I want to come home and find him there, waiting for me. We were married for a couple weeks before he left. I don't feel like we've even been able to be husband and wife yet and I feel angry that the first precious weeks of a marriage are gone and he isn't here. Then I feel guilty again.

I knew that he was a soldier when we met. I knew that as I fell in love with him that I was taking on more than just a relationship with a man, I was handing over my ability to control my world. I am so proud of him and the man he is and the soldier he fights to be, but I'm sure it doesn't sound like it while I'm whining.

He will deploy. He will leave for a long time. He will not be able to call everyday. He will not have the ability to be mushy. And I need to deal. I need to grow up and face it and move forward as a whole individual capable of handling what befalls us. Yet here I sit, tears streaming down my face because he's gone for 3 weeks and I miss him. Three weeks!!!! What is wrong with me?

I'm sorry to all of you out there who's husbands are gone for being this selfish and so amazingly myopic in my view of all things "me". What you must endure, what you face, and what you handle is beyond my current brief moments of absence from my husband and yet I sit and whine.

Hopefully, he will never read any of these postings and know how cowardly his wife truly is. I don't ever want him to know this side of me. But, if he did I would want him to know that despite the tears, the frustrations, the anger and the fear that it all stems from the very core of who I am. And that core is the one that has grown from a small seed of love for him into an unending jungle of respect, awe, faithfulness, hope, amazement, and yes love. I love you and I always will.

3 Comments:

  1. Katana said...
    It is not something to feel guilty about... If you didnt feel the way you do, then that would be a reason for guilt. You love him, and that is only natural. If he's gone for more than a couple days, you'll miss him. Always will. I always do. It shows a good amount of courage that you write it here, in a blog, and not reveal it to your husband. It means that he'll keep his head clear, and can think about missing you and coming home to you,and keep hismind in the game, instead of worrying about you and how you're doing. Keeping these emotions to yourself, and putting up a strong front for your husband is brave in itself.
    Anonymous said...
    I too am to be married to a guardsman in march. i understand how you feel cause i have the same feelings to. he is deployed as well and i miss him so much. i'm a marine corp brat and then joined the corp out of high school but it dont make missing him any easier. when we do talk or write i keep how much we miss him out of the letters and phone calls cause i know that he misses as us as much as we do him. we hope that he will get to come home in august but im not holding my breathe.
    Stella Post said...
    I am also a newlywed with a deployed spouse who wants to tell you that you don't need to feel guilty for having these feelings. These are all very normal, rational feelings that all of us have from time to time. The cowardly thing to do would be for you to pretend they don't exist. It takes courage to turn the light on in what we feel is our own darkness.

    What helps me, aside from blogging and journaling, is to remember how long the future is that I have with my husband. That future is far longer and far more enjoyable than the deployment...and to get it, all I have to do is walk out each day, one at a time.

    You are not alone.

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