I feel guilty. I can't help it. Today has been hard being away from him. So, I thought I would try to put things into perspective by reading blogs from wives whose husbands are deployed. So far it has made me feel guilty about feeling the way I do, but it hasn't lessened it.
I guess what it boils down to is that I am selfish. I want my husband to be by my side. I want to fall asleep and feel him next to me. I want to come home and find him there, waiting for me. We were married for a couple weeks before he left. I don't feel like we've even been able to be husband and wife yet and I feel angry that the first precious weeks of a marriage are gone and he isn't here. Then I feel guilty again.
I knew that he was a soldier when we met. I knew that as I fell in love with him that I was taking on more than just a relationship with a man, I was handing over my ability to control my world. I am so proud of him and the man he is and the soldier he fights to be, but I'm sure it doesn't sound like it while I'm whining.
He will deploy. He will leave for a long time. He will not be able to call everyday. He will not have the ability to be mushy. And I need to deal. I need to grow up and face it and move forward as a whole individual capable of handling what befalls us. Yet here I sit, tears streaming down my face because he's gone for 3 weeks and I miss him. Three weeks!!!! What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry to all of you out there who's husbands are gone for being this selfish and so amazingly myopic in my view of all things "me". What you must endure, what you face, and what you handle is beyond my current brief moments of absence from my husband and yet I sit and whine.
Hopefully, he will never read any of these postings and know how cowardly his wife truly is. I don't ever want him to know this side of me. But, if he did I would want him to know that despite the tears, the frustrations, the anger and the fear that it all stems from the very core of who I am. And that core is the one that has grown from a small seed of love for him into an unending jungle of respect, awe, faithfulness, hope, amazement, and yes love. I love you and I always will.
What helps me, aside from blogging and journaling, is to remember how long the future is that I have with my husband. That future is far longer and far more enjoyable than the deployment...and to get it, all I have to do is walk out each day, one at a time.
You are not alone.