Daily Lessons

I miss him. He's been gone for 8 days now. Last week was hard. He wasn't very happy and I felt like I was responsible, but we finally really talked yesterday and I found out what was really going on. I wish I could know when this would get better. When I will be the wife that can't wait for him to go out or find something to do so I can be alone. I hate being without him. Why does that have to change? Most of the women I know that have been married for awhile keep telling me to just wait and it will happen. But I don't understand. Why get married if that person isn't the one you want to grow old with? Believe me, he isn't perfect and I definitely am not and we have disagreements and get on each others nerves, but I can't imagine not wanting him to be around. I was married before and I did feel that way for my ex-husband and this is so different.

Anyway, this was his first father's day as a stepdad and he feels bad for being away. But my thoughts are drawn toward the fathers that are in other countries that weren't able to be here when their children were born. How they faced today having arms that have held weapons, but never felt the softness of their child's newborn skin. How their eyes search the countryside for danger but never get to gaze into the wonder of their child's eyes when they truly see for the first time. Sometimes I wonder what kind of world this is now. I don't truly understand how daily men and women hug their spouse or loved one goodbye for the last time not knowing if they will ever hold them again. How can this be ok? Where does the strength to let go come from? Will I find it when it is my turn?

To all those out there who have been there and have survived, you are my heroes and I can only hope that someday I will be able to make you all proud.


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