The Unsaid

Why are we so afraid to really say what's on our minds or really what's happening in our lives? Is it because we are afraid that we'll lose the facade of the loving wife waiting at home for her knight in shining armour and that all is well in the castle?

Here's my unsaid....I purposely keep stuff inside so my husband and I don't fight when he calls because deep inside I am afraid that he won't call back if we fight about something. I don't tell my friends and family that I sometimes cry at night so hard that my stomach actually hurts the next day because I don't know how I am going to make it a whole year pretending everything is ok. I am scared to death that when he comes home that I will lose it because I won't know how to be real again and I will be too scared of getting hurt to let him back in. Sometimes when people are talking to me inside I'm screaming to just leave me alone and that they aren't the person I want to see standing in front of me. I fantasize occassionally that I can get in the car and drive away into a new life that doesn't hurt anymore. Secretly for all the reasons that everyone is so proud of me because I have been calm and together so far are the same reasons that will eventually kill off the real me and I won't ever be able to come back. I am angry and I hate everyone who had anything to do with taking my life away from me just when it was getting started. I am angry with him because I don't think he will ever know really what this year will do to me. I feel guilty because I know if I was a good wife and a good person I would be more worried about what this year will do to him. I worry that when he comes home that he will be so distant and blocked off from me that I wont want to deal with anymore pain and our relationship will end in bitterness and anger and I will lose my best friend when all I really want is to have him back.

These are all the things I keep inside and hide behind my "I'm a military wife and I'm soooo strong" face. There I said it.


  1. Anchored Away said...
    When my husband reported to his first ship, they left that day for the weekend, came back Sunday night, then left for 5 weeks. It was the first time I'd been away from him that long, and I was left in a completely unfamiliar city 2000 miles away from my family with an apartment full of boxes the movers had brought in the day before he left.

    It was a depressing nightmare, but it was just a taste of things to come. He hadn't been home three weeks before they were gone again. They were underway - at the time, there was no real e-mail and no phone unless they made port somewhere, which was rare - 300 days of that first 365 he was on that ship. I, too, fantasized about gathering up the few things I had that really mattered and moving to some podunk town in the middle of nowhere. I'd change my name, dye my hair, and get a job as a truckstop waitress. Seriously, this was my plan. I kept thinking if it got any worse, I was gone.

    I hear you loud and clear. I know the panic and the silent scream in your head that seems loudest just when everyone is putting on the "I care about you" speech that doesn't mean jackshit when they can't even come to your aid when you get a flat tire. I know it, and I still get it during the really bad days.

    I have a secret, though. I wouldn't have made it without a prescription for an anti-depressant. Think about asking your doctor for a referral. At the very least, it helps to be able to tell someone who isn't going to judge you for what you're feeling, and they can always give you tools to help you get through it. :)
    liberal army wife said...
    counseling - that was what kept me from driving away - I went to see a counselor who understood military problems. This one was from our Guard Group - so see if they have someone there you can talk to. This would be information at the Rear Det level. otherwise, Military OneSource. those counselors understand the military, civilian counselors just don't get it. Really, seriously, get some counseling. We all need someone to listen to us, someone who won't judge or think badly of us, and who understand the military lifestyle.

    liberal army wife said...
    hey - just checking in and making sure you are ok.

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