The great news is that he's coming home next month for a few days and then we are driving back to his base for his final ceremony. I really want to see him again, but what is killing me is how are you supposed to act normal during that time when you know you are trying to squeeze everything in in a few short days? I'm honestly scared that I will do something to ruin it because I will look at him and see again what I will be losing for a year. A year?!!! Who decided this was ok?

It's been a little over 3 weeks and my emotions have run amok. I've been angry, sad, bitter, scared, dead, and just plain confused. That can happen over a span of time or all the emotions running together at once. What is a year going to do? What is it going to feel like if we can only talk every few weeks? How do you sleep? How do you think? How do you function?

And now he will be with me and I am actually frozen. I want so badly to see him and be with him again, but I don't want to say goodbye again. Especially knowing this time it isn't just to send him somewhere safe....this goodbye is the one that has to last for a year. This is the one that is going to matter the most and how am I supposed to hug him goodbye and let go? How can you just let go to someone that fills every part of your soul and your supposed to just walk away and hope and pray that the next year of your life flies by so you can finally say hello again?

Yes it's irrational but I want someone from the military to explain to me why it's ok to take our husbands away and leave us here alone to worry and be lonely while they do battle with enemies that are cowards and can't even face them when they fight. They have to hide and set things off and run away like little bullies. Our men stand there and take it and they have to go through all this red tape just to be able to defend themselves. Well, if no one is going to let my husband protect himself so he can come home to me so that we can resume our lives with each other, the way it was meant to be then get out of my way and let me do it. Let all of us do it. Or just bring them home where they belong.

I want to rage, but there is no one to rage against. I want to beat the crap out of my demons but I can't tell where they are coming from. All I know is that one morning I woke up with my husband by my side and that night when I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, I was alone and he was gone. That is my reality right now and I hate it.

1 Comment:

  1. liberal army wife said...
    Yes, we have ALL been there! honestly, you aren't alone, I promise. yes, you want to cling, but then you want to push him away because this just hurts. So try very hard to be what is normal in your house, especially for kids. It will, in the back of your mind, be so hard, and you are going to be screaming in there. but don't.

    Unfortunately, this is how our lives are right now. He's Army, and the Army will tell you how family friendly they are. That's not true, but that's also just the way it is right now. fighting it, fighting him, will not get you anywhere. I speak from some bad bitter experience. Railing against this life, screaming at him, being angry all the time, is just beating your head against a very thick and immovable wall.

    I'm not saying be little miss sunshine, that would probably just freak him out! but try very very hard to keep it smooth, let him know that yes you are upset, but you'll be ok. scream here, your blog is a great place to do that. and we are here, we understand and we won't judge you.


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