So far...not easier.

I go from one minute thinking maybe I don't love him enough to the next day feeling like I can't do one more minute apart from him. I do feel that this separation is not helping our relationship grow. How can it? We aren't with each other. The longest conversation we've had usually lasts about a half hour..most of them are a few minutes. I feel so far away from him, like I'm not really married and he really doesn't exist and one morning I'm going to wake up and look at my hand and the rings will be gone and I'll realize this has just been one big "Dallas" dream.

Speaking of dreams, I've been having doosies lately, which isn't helping me at all. Every other dream is him ignoring me or pretending he doesn't know me. Or worse, he is someplace with someone else. Or last night was him telling me he just doesn't love me the same way anymore. So I guess as much as I put it to rest during my waking hours and go about my day, it never truly goes away. It just lies in wait until I'm not doing anything else and comes out to haunt me. I've really had enough.

I will be able to see him in 6 weeks. I'm actually really nervouse about it. Mostly of opening back up and feeling all the stuff I've hidden away for so long. How can a few days be enough to say goodbye again? And how do you say goodbye again? This time knowing he's leaving and he won't be in a safe place anymore. Letting them go to stay back home and wait day by day for some word that everything is ok. Broken conversations, moments that aren't long enough, the dreaded missing the call. A year of that is ahead of me and I think I'm already so tired of living this way. I still have a full year from now. How? I want so many lost moments back and I can't ever go back and it's killing me inside.

Oh, and just a word to those wives out there who have their husbands home and say to a military wife whose spouse is deployed that you hardly ever get to see your husband because you work opposite schedules and only get a few days per week with each other can bite my tired lonely ass when you say those stupid things to me and I don't fully respond with a poor you. Wake up people......


  1. Chaotic Mom said...
    Yup, your post brought back a lot of feelings to me. We've been through this deployment thing a few times now, and it's not fun. Your husband is in the National Guard? Do you have a good Family Readiness Group for "support"? I found my non-military friends and family just didn't understand what I was going through when Hubby was deployed.

    Hang in there, okay? Have you connected w/other Army wives through other blogs?
    Anonymous said...
    As I read this post, I sat there and nodded. Though he's not my husband, he will be after this deployment. He would already be if we weren't so determined not to let the Army control everything in our lives. He's been gone since early December, but he's been safe. He comes home soon, for 4 days, which doesn't seem nearly long enough. It's barely enough to prepare for goodbyes, let alone squeeze in 15 months of everything, right? It wouldn't be so bad if they were going somewhere safe, but they're not. You'll make it though. We all do!
    liberal army wife said...
    RANGW - jeez, I coulda written this 2 years ago! how do you get through it? one day, one hour, at a time. there are going to be days when you don't want to put one foot in front of another, and days when you can get through it without a ton of pain. Look, you won't be completely at ease until he's home for good (or at least for longer than 6 months.) as for the civilians.. you really can't listen to them, and NO, you can't wring their necks either (although I remember wanting to!) Ignore them, and use your blog to rant at them. Dear, you aren't alone. really, we are here, we have been there, done that and will do it again.


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