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Been awhile....

It's been awhile since I last wrote. So much has happened and not happened. I was re-reading my last post and it seems the tide has turned. I was talking about how much he had changed and how it wasn't fair to those of us left behind, but let me tell you, something has changed in me. I don't take crap from anyone, including him now. I don't know why. I'm not mean or a witch about it, but if something isn't ok with me, I say it. Before, I would keep my mouth shut and shove it down in my gut and go on until I exploded about something else. Part of this change though hasn't been good for him. He said I don't tell him I miss him as much as he misses me and last week he blew up about something really stupid and when he got off the phone the guys tore him a new one about it because they heard him. After that, I told him exactly what went through my head the next couple days. I told him how I wasn't going to live the next year in fear of what if we fight and then we can't talk or then he gets hurt or anything and it wasn't even something I did. I won't do it. So I'm shut down. We talk and he has been his old self on the phone. Counting the days until we can see each other for his leave, telling me he misses me and all the stuff I wanted to hear so badly a couple weeks ago and now I don't know how to respond. I know that I feel the same way. I love him with all my heart and soul and I want him to come home so bad so we can just be us again, but I can't let those feelings come out. I'm not going to lose it this time. I am not going to spend this year crying and being afraid. I'm doing exactly what he told me to do, but now he doesn't seem to like it, but I can't find the middle ground. I'm nervous about seeing him next month. I want him to know that I love him, but in all the times in the past when I would show it while he was away he would get mad, so I'm being perky and funny when we talk like we're old buds, I don't know what else to do.

2 Comments:

  1. liberal army wife said...
    honey - you hit the wall of deployment. and most of us do. it takes a while to thaw at the end of it, but I always figure it's the way our hearts/minds/souls...whatever.. decides to protect itself.

    LAW
    Anchored Away said...
    Fourth deployment now, and I can say this happens to me every time. It's just plain easier to shut down. I know we look like cold-hearted bitches to those who don't understand, but if we didn't close ourselves off, we wouldn't be able to function.

    It'll get you through the deployment. Don't worry about seeing him again. That wall comes crumbling apart within seconds, and though it takes time to sweep the rubble away and be truly close again, it's no longer an impediment. Unfortunately, it usually means the tide of tears it's been holding back for so long is now unleashed unto the world. LOL

    You're doing great. This is the absolute suckiest part of being a milspouse, but you're handling it like a pro. You've got it, girl.

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