I'm in a horrible mood today. So much has been going on in the last 3 weeks that I think I'm finally having my melt down about it and by melt-down I mean that I'm feeling angry and bitter and like a trapped animal that has to get away. My parents used to have a campsite that I would escape to and has been part of who I am since birth, but this year they decided to move the trailer to a new place that has more stuff to do because of the kids and it won't be ready until next spring. BUT, I need to get out!!!!! I need that someplace to escape to and since I have kids taking a unguided road trip and sleeping in the car won't be happening.
Now mind you, I have PMS this week and it's possible that what I'm feeling is solely related to that, but I also believe that the things that I successfully shove into the recesses of my dark little mind during my "sane" weeks comes out because I'm weaker and can't fight them as well.
My most distressing issue right now is that I'm sick of changing things all the time. Is he coming home this week, will he have to go somewhere else, how long will I get to see him, when is he leaving for real, how long will he be gone.......and on and on. There are NO answers and if you're part of the military you better just suck it up and deal with it. My life, that I had been so controlling of just a few short years ago is spinning our of control at the whims of other people and there is not one thing that I can do about it!!!!
I really just want to be a family and worry about stupid stuff like what's for dinner and is there enough detergent to do all the laundry today. No thoughts about war or living or dying or loneliness or fear. Just planning a family vacation for next year. Christmas shopping together without wondering if this will be our first and last christmas together. Oh sure, you all may think I'm messed up and I would have to agree, but this blog is about me being honest and honestly I wonder everyday if I finally found my sole mate only to have him ripped away from me after a short time together. We've been married for 5 months and have been together for 3 of them. Woooo......hooooo.
I love the man with everything that I could love him with and I would never want to be apart from him, but I hate this life and I don't know how to make the two work together without sacrificing something. I just have been feeling lately like I'm carrying my own rucksack and it's so heavy and I just want to put it down for awhile.
I just want him to come home. I miss having him around. He sounds so sad on the phone and I just want to go to him and hold him until everything is back to normal. But I guess, since he's deploying soon, this will be the normal from now on. I don't want to do it. I want my husband and my kids to be together in our home where we can laugh, fight, goof off, and whatever together. He's everything that completes me and I feel a little lost without him.
I have a job interview today. I realized as I was getting ready this morning that my husband wasn't there to check everything out and make me feel like I looked like I am put together. I won't get a text with some words of encouragement and love and I will be doing this alone. This is the first of many things that I will be doing alone.
I was alone with my kids for 10 years before he came into our lives, so how could I become so soft so quickly. He needed me to need him a little more and become less independent. I did that and now I am paying for it. Now I have to rebuild what was already a solid structure before. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to feel normal again, but will I ever? I love him so much and I want to give him all that he asks of me but after what happened last night, I just don't think I should anymore. Can a marriage survive if you hold back on each other?
Well, I failed again. Today is day 7....until about an hour ago I was pretty darned proud of myself for not being a blubbering mess about my husband being gone. I had the mindset that he would be gone for 3 weeks and not to even think of him coming home sooner. So last night he kept asking me how many days until he got to come home. I honestly didn't know because I was being sane this time around. Well a week has gone by and today I sat at work and counted the days until I would get to see him again and I really felt sad because I missed him. So doesn't he call a little while ago and tell me they are sending him for another week. So true to form I show an emotion and he gets mad. He can call and tell me how much he misses me but I tell him that I'm sad because it's going to be even longer now and he gets mad at me and tells me I'm jumping all over him and what do I want him to do about it. I'm done. I honestly can't give any more of myself. I don't even know what a true feeling is anymore because I'm afraid to show any. If I don't show that I miss him then I'm glad he's gone and where's my new boyfriend. If I do get upset that I miss him then I'm jumping all over him.
He told me we would figure this out and make it work and my response although cold and very unlike me was that there was nothing to work out. There is no compromise to be had. He is a soldier and I am his wife. There are no choices in this military life. I told him that I enjoy being with him when he's here and I have to learn to block that out while he's gone. I don't know what else to do, but I'm sick and tired of being yelled at because I care. I asked him if he would think it was weird if he told me that he wasn't coming home for another week and I told him, "cool!". I mean, aren't I supposed to miss him? Then it dawns on me that if the roles were reversed he wouldn't feel like I do. He's never had to wait for me. I've always been there right when he needed me everytime he needed me. He's never gotten the phone call that I was going to be late coming home from work let alone gone another week. All I know is that I failed myself. I put up a wall that held strong until I let him in. Now I'm left with a pile of bricks, a tissue box, and a headache.
What is better than your husband's hands? What feels the same as his hand holding yours? What makes you feel safer than feeling him sleep next to you, his arm draped around you? What's better than making him laugh because you did something silly? What's better than him coming out to greet you at the car when you get home since he is almost never home before you? What's better than a stolen moment just to go grocery shopping together? What's better than the moment you catch him staring at you? What's better than him being with you? I miss him.
I'm doing ok. I don't understand it, but I am. It seems my husband and I have switched roles. He's away for 2-3 weeks training. Usually the first week he's distant and soldier like and I'm a basket case after we get off the phone because I miss his husbandness (yes, one of my many talents is making up new words!!!). This time is different. He's homesick. I've never heard him this way before. The National Guard is his life and I knew when I became involved with him that I was always going to be second to that. But this time is different and it has me worried a bit.
If you've been reading this blog you know how emotional I am about him and his deployment and truth be told, I truly am not a blubbering mess on the surface. Most of my friends and family don't even know I have these feelings. This is how I get them out, which is why they sound so raw and mushy, but I digress. I have looked at this training as my test of sorts. That if I couldn't manage to pull myself together now that I won't be ok when he deploys. I haven't done anything differently though, but I'm ok. I miss him, but I'm using this time as productively as possible and accomplishing a lot.
What I worry about now is that he is homesick, which is a first and I truly want him to be able to deploy and be who he has to be as a soldier so that he can come home to us and we can resume life again. Yes, I know there will be changes but I believe in us and what we have and I know we are both better together than apart. I don't want him to lose that instinct and be thinking about us while he is there and all his senses need to be focused on what is going on there. I don't want to be the weight that holds him down. So, what is my role? What can I do to be supportive and let him know we love him and we'll be here when he returns, but still encourage him to be a soldier first? I don't know yet, but when I figure it out, of course I'll let you know.
I'm in emotional limbo. Well not really. I'm still being a girl and still emotional about all this. But I feel so drained. I feel like I could not possilby cry another tear but yet they keep coming. He's been different lately. Withdrawn and quick to get angry. But he tells me he loves me all the time and still wants to fall asleep holding me. I think both of us don't know what to do with our emotions. I want to pull away sometimes just to stop feeling sad but then I want to cling to him and suck every last second out of our lives together before he leaves. I'm constantly in a battle with myself.
This week he leaves for his 3 weeks. I'm hoping that for both of us we can sort out our emotions and what's going on inside us and find some peace to enjoy the rest of our time together. I don't want to screw it up. I've heard so much about how the pressure gets to the families and they argue a lot before they actually leave. I don't want to see that happen to us. We had a talk last night lieing in the dark in our bed about how we've been feeling lately. He said he's scaired because it seems like all the guys he's deploying with or has deployed with are having problems in their marriages or have girls on the side. He said he's scaired that he won't be the same when he comes back and that I won't love him anymore. Ironically, I worry that he won't be the same when he gets back and that he won't love me anymore. We've always had some of the same insecurities but what has saved us from ourselves in the past is that we usually don't suffer from them at the same time. This time we are.
There are so many open-ended thoughts. I don't know how long he'll be gone. I don't know if I'll get to see him on his leave after training before he deploys. What will it be like when he comes home? Will we survive this as a couple? I love him with all that I am and yet I can't be naive and think that things can change. He's a proud man and if something happened to him I know he would try to push me away thinking that I deserve better. That's what scaires me so much. How bad it will hurt to love someone that has decided he can't love you back.