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I got it!

I know what's been bugging me so much lately. All day at work I take care of 10 different people and whatever they need. Drop this to do that. Can you do this now? I need......blah blah blah. Then I go home and I take care of 2 little people that need me to do stuff for them. Then I have a husband who needs stuff so I have to be on top of what I need to send him and his stuff back home and taking care of his business affairs. Then there's my parents who have expectations for me that I try to fulfill (although I don't think I will ever be able to). At the end of every day, I feel so drained and worn down that there is nothing left inside me except frustration and anger.

I am an invisible entity to those around me. My sole purpose in this life is what they need from me and heaven help me if I don't perform. Well guess what? I'm tired....no, I'm sick and tired. Would a thank you kill them? Would a small gesture of hey I appreciate you be too much for them to muster up? I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want someone to notice and to care not because I'm upset, but because they honestly can look into my eyes and know I need it. I would love a letter right now filled with anything remotely sounding like he cared. Even a sentence or two. Anything, because I'm starving for some sort of affection right now and to know that I matter to someone.

3 Comments:

  1. Anonymous said...
    Hi, I'm not an Army wife but my boyfriend is serving in Iraq so I've been reading blogs to see how other people deal with there loved ones gone and your blog touched a cord in me. You obviously love your husband very much and he must feel the same for you as he married you and took on the role of father to your children, so if you don't mind my asking, what did he do before he left that made you feel as if he may not still love you when he comes back?? I'm sure it's not my business but you seem so sad and it would be awful to have that sadness for a year when it could just be a misunderstanding and he's acually missing you alot but just keeps it to himself just like you keep your feelings of missing him to yourself.
    trying said...
    Its hard isnt it? I remember when hubs was deployed and I went thru all the motions of day to day living and I had my "I got it" moment like you. Its so hard when the one person in the world you want to hold you and to be there for you isnt. It makes all the other rude bs you have to deal with on a day to day basis taht much harder.

    hang in there, your not invisible to everyone.

    THANK YOU for what you do as a military wife!!!
    liberal army wife said...
    Sucks, doesn't it. you seem to be the rock that everyone else needs to lean on. THIS is where counseling can help, where you can lean on someone. HE doesn't have a whole lot of time to be telling you that, the kids - well that's what kids do. the parent's - yeah I got a pair of those too, but I found I had to just say 0 ENOUGH already.

    You aren't invisible. and it's time to stand up and tell everyone that you are THERE and that you need some time and space for you. the work folks need to understand (that's hard, I know, I was lucky that I had a decent boss for part of the deployment, if I had been where I am now... I'da smacked someone!) but a few ground rules should be established.

    Dear, you gotta dig yourself out of this hole of grief and anger and frustration. this is poisonous to you, and just makes it worse. PLEASE get some counseling. Military OneSource is a good place to start.

    LAW

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