How many more?

Today's the day I have reached my limitations on how much I can take. Believe me when I say it's ugly.

During a chat today with hubs he told me that he wants to change units when he gets home to go to a unit his friend just joined this past winter. A unit who happens to be in the process of training for their deployment sometime within the next year or two. So I say, but won't you have to deploy if they do, he says he'll have to deploy at least once more before his contract is done but he might be able to get out of it if they go.

My desired reaction: stop typing, close the chat, turn off the computer, get in my car and keep driving until I can get far enough away for it to not hurt anymore.

My response: my heart is broken.

The right thing to say..probably not, but come on. We're not even halfway done with this deployment and now you bring up that when you get home after a year being gone that you might be deployed right away again and I'm supposed to smile and say "good for you honey!"?!?!?!

Well I can't. May 25th marks our 1 year anniversary and so far I still don't feel like I'm even married. I feel like I found another boss to work for while I'm not at work. I honestly could not take a deployment right after he gets home. I'm being totally honest and sincere when I say that it will destroy us because it will destroy me. This has already taken what life I had in me completely out. My friends all laugh and enjoy that I get overly funny when I'm stressed out because I need someone to laugh around me because I feel so empty inside. He volunteered to go on this deployment because his "boys" were going and they have to stick together and now all he wants is out. And now because his friend will be deploying he should be with him. Well, when is it going to be my turn? I just want to feel normal again. I would love not to feel so angry all the time and most of all I would love to not have to live this double life of pretending to everyone else that everything is ok. It's not. I'm not. I just don't know what to do anymore.


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