Today marks one year since hubs and I were married. Everything about today so far mimics what the day was like last year as well. Everything except for obvious missing elements, like him, being happy, and looking forward to tomorrow.
I know what's been bugging me so much lately. All day at work I take care of 10 different people and whatever they need. Drop this to do that. Can you do this now? I need......blah blah blah. Then I go home and I take care of 2 little people that need me to do stuff for them. Then I have a husband who needs stuff so I have to be on top of what I need to send him and his stuff back home and taking care of his business affairs. Then there's my parents who have expectations for me that I try to fulfill (although I don't think I will ever be able to). At the end of every day, I feel so drained and worn down that there is nothing left inside me except frustration and anger.
I am an invisible entity to those around me. My sole purpose in this life is what they need from me and heaven help me if I don't perform. Well guess what? I'm tired....no, I'm sick and tired. Would a thank you kill them? Would a small gesture of hey I appreciate you be too much for them to muster up? I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want someone to notice and to care not because I'm upset, but because they honestly can look into my eyes and know I need it. I would love a letter right now filled with anything remotely sounding like he cared. Even a sentence or two. Anything, because I'm starving for some sort of affection right now and to know that I matter to someone.
My anniversary is almost here. Last year at this time I was a completely different person. I was excited and nervous and stressed, but all that would soon calm as soon as the last dance took place and we were off to begin our lives together with each other. Almost a year has passed and I'm not really sure where we are. Is this normal? I have no idea. I don't even really know how I'm feeling about all this anymore. I guess the day to day and sometimes hour by hour emotional rollercoaster has finally taken it's toll and now I can't feel anything. I'm really scared that by the time he comes home we will have grown so far apart that we won't be able to find each other again. I don't even know how he is feeling about anything regarding us and it's impossible to start a conversation about it only to read the words my time is up I gotta go and then there is no resolution. I feel like I'm such a bad person and especially a horrible wife. I'm doing all the duties of an army wife, but I'm feeling nothing inside. Doesn't that mean that I'm cold and really screwed up?! My instincts tell me it is messed up, but I don't have even one clue on how to make it better.
So with all that going on inside me, I obsess about my diet now. Exercising especially. Down 19 lbs and only 1 more to go to reach my goal for the month and then it's on to my next goal. I need to feel success about something and I need to get myself in control in any situation. I'm just so tired of all the confusion around me that this is safe because it is totally reliant on me and my efforts. I hope everything will be ok again someday.
May I first say that while most of the time my blog is full of "woe is me's", I have to add more positive notes because I am feeling pretty darn good lately. On the hubs front, we are trying to work our stuff out.....ok I'm trying to find a way to deal and he happily has no idea...that of course will be a continuing saga I'm sure.
But on a lighter note....I'm lighter!!! Down 16lbs so far and my goal is 4 more by the end of the month. I set little goals along the way for numbers that mean something to me. But really I have gained a lot too! I have gained a sense of me. I feel healthier and more lively. I'm more aware of moving my body more and being more active. I look at food as a source of fuel for me to feel better instead of a drug that I use to cover what hurts. I can be at parties and say no and really be ok with it. I am in control of me for the first time in such a long time and I can't tell you how amazing it is.
Someone at work today told me hubs won't even recognize me when he gets home. I told him if he needed pics of me I would keep sending old ones so he wouldn't even know what I looked like so when I pick him up at the airport it will be a surprise. I can't wait....well I can cause I'm not there yet. I even have two pairs of pants that I can slip off without unbuttoning them....that's so cool!!!
So next goal is on board....I'll check back with ya on that one.
Tonight I graduated with my BBA. Hubs watched my kids for the first time by himself the night I started the program two years ago. I always expected to see him in the audience during the ceremony and being there to hug me when I got done and tell me how proud he is of me. But tonight, no hubs, just a room full of people that somehow made me feel so alone inside.
I guess that means that despite what we are going through during this deployment, that I love him with my whole heart. I just want it to be us again.
So here's to hubs, I missed you tonight and I love you.
Today's the day I have reached my limitations on how much I can take. Believe me when I say it's ugly.
During a chat today with hubs he told me that he wants to change units when he gets home to go to a unit his friend just joined this past winter. A unit who happens to be in the process of training for their deployment sometime within the next year or two. So I say, but won't you have to deploy if they do, he says he'll have to deploy at least once more before his contract is done but he might be able to get out of it if they go.
My desired reaction: stop typing, close the chat, turn off the computer, get in my car and keep driving until I can get far enough away for it to not hurt anymore.
My response: my heart is broken.
The right thing to say..probably not, but come on. We're not even halfway done with this deployment and now you bring up that when you get home after a year being gone that you might be deployed right away again and I'm supposed to smile and say "good for you honey!"?!?!?!
Well I can't. May 25th marks our 1 year anniversary and so far I still don't feel like I'm even married. I feel like I found another boss to work for while I'm not at work. I honestly could not take a deployment right after he gets home. I'm being totally honest and sincere when I say that it will destroy us because it will destroy me. This has already taken what life I had in me completely out. My friends all laugh and enjoy that I get overly funny when I'm stressed out because I need someone to laugh around me because I feel so empty inside. He volunteered to go on this deployment because his "boys" were going and they have to stick together and now all he wants is out. And now because his friend will be deploying he should be with him. Well, when is it going to be my turn? I just want to feel normal again. I would love not to feel so angry all the time and most of all I would love to not have to live this double life of pretending to everyone else that everything is ok. It's not. I'm not. I just don't know what to do anymore.
So far it has been 2 weeks and I am down 14 lbs. I am exercising and eating very healthy. I have been able to say no to the "just a little won't hurt" situations and have felt stronger in myself than I have for a long time.
Hubs seems to be concerned now that I am doing this so I can find a new man. Why do they do that? He doesn't seem to be honestly upset about it but he wouldn't have said it if he wasn't at least thinking about it. I told him that I just want to make sure I'm the first pick for the trophy wife phase that my son seems to think should be coming any day now since he is already in his muscle car phase. Lots of pressure for this old broad!
In all reality though, I don't think I would be able to do this if he was here. Not that he isn't supportive because he is even to the point of doing my diets with me and for him that wouldn't be good, he's already thin. Just because I needed this deployment to push me out of my self loathing nest and really decide to make a change. I guess the deployment gave me enough anger and frustration that it had to come out somewhere and it wasn't going to be him, so here I am. I am happier and stronger and hopeful for the first time in a VERY long time. I go to bed every night and picture what I want to look like when he comes home and what kind of outfit I'm going to wear. It keeps me motivated and I get to play dress up without all the costume changes!
Anyway, happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Hug your babies close and for all the moms whose babies are serving our country, I hope you get the hug that you need from them really soon.
May 9th is Military Spouse Day
Posted: 08 May 2008 07:50 AM CDT
The following text is from a proclamation by the President. The video before President Bush’s Proclamation is one produced by the Army for the Army families. Break out the tissues, you will probably need them.
Military spouses embody the courage, nobility of duty, and love of country that inspire every American. On Military Spouse Day, we pay tribute to the husbands and wives who support their spouses in America’s Armed Forces during times of war and peace.
The legacy of military spouses began when colonial Americans were fighting for independence. Martha Washington boosted the morale of her husband’s troops by visiting battlefields and tending to the wounded. Since then, members of our Armed Forces have served our Nation accompanied by the steadfast love and support of their spouses and families.
While our men and women in uniform are protecting our country’s founding ideals of liberty, democracy, and justice, their spouses live with uncommon challenges, endure sleepless nights, and spend long periods raising children alone. Many military spouses are also committed volunteers, serving other military families and local communities. Our Nation benefits from the sacrifices of our military families, and we are inspired by their courage, strength, and leadership.
On Military Spouse Day and throughout the year, we honor the commitment spouses have made to freedom’s cause. To learn about ways to support our troops and their spouses and families, I encourage all Americans to visit www.americasupportsyou.mil.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim May 9, 2008, as Military Spouse Day. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this day with appropriate ceremonies and activities and by expressing their gratitude to the husbands and wives of those serving in the United States Armed Forces.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fifth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.
GEORGE W. BUSH
It's funny how there's an invisible switch inside of you that can suddenly change your feelings and outlook in a matter of moments. I was at such a low point with this deployment that I wasn't sure I would ever find my way out, let alone how our relationship would survive. The problem was that he didn't even know how I was feeling. He really had no idea that I was in such a hole emotionally when it came to us. I suppose someday, when we are on the other side of this I will tell him where to find my blog, but for now, I don't want him to know.
I think the hardest part has been feeling so alone and yet not knowing how to ask for help or to communicate that and then getting angry because people didn't instinctively know that I felt like I was dead inside, especially him. I felt like my role was only to do and to put all that I had into a relationship that I felt nothing out of anymore. What ended up happening was that I was empty and had nothing more to give.
Fortunately, things are better. One email with a couple lines from him and I felt like it was all going to be ok again. We still have a long time to go and I'm truly hoping it will be, but I have to say that I love him, but I am hating this part of my life. I've been so involved with everyone else and what they need from me that my graduation is less than 2 weeks away and I realized I haven't ordered my cap and gown or gotten the invitations. Everyone else has what they need though.
But I have begun a journey just for me and I'm not going to fail myself anymore. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I was actually thin for a few years after high school but then I got pregnant and that was the end of that and I have dieted and taken pills and bought exercise equipment in such quantities that I probably could open my own gym. Even in the 3 years we've been together he has stood by me during my new latest and greatest and always told me it doesn't matter to him he will always love me no matter what. The sad truth is that I have never fully believed him. Because I think that I don't love me this way. He's only known me this way and I want to surprise him when he gets home. But really, I'm just sick of giving all of myself to everyone else and yet letting myself fail me each time.
So, week 1 on this diet with healthy food I would have never tried before and a great walking partner I am down 10lbs!!! I will never conquer anything if I can't even conquer myself and today is the day.