I will, at times, suddenly get tears in my eyes and want to curl up and disappear from everyone and just cry as hard and as long as I can. But I don't. I do take moments during my shower when I will just let the tears fall amidst the water, but even then I have to be careful becaues we have reached that comfortable place in our marriage that he feels he can use the bathroom while I'm in there either showering or doing my hair or makeup. The jury is still out on that one from me, but I digress.
In three weeks I will have to say goodbye. I don't have a choice and I don't have an option of feeling anything about it at this point. It is going to happen regardless. He will start talking about deployment stuff and I find myself drifting off where before every word out of his mouth was like water to a desert nomad. I just don't want to get near it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to plan it. I don't want to figure out what we are going to do. I don't want to know what I have to do in case something happens to him. I don't want to cry anymore.
But I do.
I cry everyday in my own silent way because the only man I have ever truly loved is leaving and I don't know if I will ever see him again. And no I'm not thinking about him not coming home to me physically, but what frightens me more is him coming home but never being him again. My dreams for the future all had him there....him, the man he is. What if he doesn't want our life anymore when he gets home? What if he suffered so much that he will never be able to love again or be loved? There are those that would say to not think of such things, but I am a realist. And realistically, those things could happen.
How am I going to say goodbye?
God, let him be ok. Bring him home to me at the end of this year of hell. I'll do anything, just bring him back. I know I'm selfish when so many other wives and family members are experiencing the same thing and those of them who aren't going to have them come home, but God please help us all get through this. If it can't end, then please make time go by faster. Make the nights shorter so I won't have to lay awake in our bed wondering where he is and if he's ok. Make my heart like steel so it won't hurt while he's gone. Freeze my tears and don't let them fall until I'm safe in his arms again. But God, if you have to ignore me during this year so that you can stay by his side, then I will find a way. Just bring him home again.
I had not written for awhile. I wasn't sure what to do because we didn't know for sure if he was deploying. Today, it became definite. I did know somewhere in my heart that he would be but yet I wasn't prepared. Strangely I feel a tad more peaceful because now I know what to focus on dealing with, but at the same time I have that going over the first hill on a roller coaster feeling in my stomach. There's no turning back and we only have a few weeks left. How do you do it? How do you act like everything is ok and there isn't this mind numbing loud ticking going on all around you.
I don't even know what to say. I'm scared to death and I'm not even completely sure why.
Being the wife of a soldier is frustrating! He's been gone so much during our marriage that I realized that I saw him more while we were dating. I want to be with him but the other part of me feels so angry and helpless to do anything about it that I want to shut him out. Keep him away from my heart that hurts so bad sometimes that I can feel it inside me. I can't talk to him about it because he just gets angry with me. Sometimes I feel like he wants me to love him but only during the times that he has scheduled for it. If I stray from that time period then he's mad.
So, you may ask why do I love him then. I can't honestly say anymore. All the things that were there before are either gone or so few and far between that they are only memories. But I still do love him and that's why it hurts so bad. And if one more person tells me I knew what I was getting into while I'm sad that my husband isn't here I will lose it!!!! Yes, I knew he was in the Army, did I know how exactly it was going to feel to miss him so much and be worried so much, and to not sleep so much, and to be scared so much, and to be frustrated so much, and to want to hide from anything that might hurt more so much.......NO!!!!! I DID NOT!!!! I'm sorry I may not be as strong as all those women out there that can look at me and tell me that, but they have never been married to the Army. They have never had to give up control over their own lives at the whims of "report here tomorrow...." "stay longer" "we don't know when we are sending you home"....and my personal favorite "spend time with your family before you deploy" (except they always tell them this while they have taken them AGAIN and they are there and there is no more family time left. I wish I could just dance around my days and sing that line to myself...."laa laa laa I knew what I was getting into.....laa laa laa" and everything would make sense and all my emotions and thoughts would go back to the way they used to be before all this, but stupidly enough, I can't or don't or whatever, but it doesn't happen. Maybe I could find a group that could teach me the ways of "staters of the obvious" but until then I'm left to my own devices and pillows to cry into at night.
Nothing smells like him anymore.....I can't picture him there anymore.....I cringe when the phone rings because I want to talk to him so bad, but I'm so afraid to....I'm afraid I'll give away the fact that I love him so much and I miss him and then he's going to get angry and be mad at me and we'll leave a conversation like that and I'll have to live with it until he calms down enough to call me again. But yeah, I knew what I was getting into.
I have decided....I know which is worse....it's definitely the up and down. I thought the deployment would be unbearable but I was wrong. I had actually gotten to the point where I was dealing with it and I was ok. I knew it was coming and all my worrying about it wasn't going to make it better or change it. So, I finally reached a place inside myself where I felt some peace.
BAMMO
I have good news. He was offered a job at the armory here in the states to fill a position that needs to be filled while they are deployed. So that was dropped on us last month. He actually told them he would have to talk to his wife about it before he told them if he wanted it or not. I looked at him and asked him if he actually thought I would prefer he deployed. Talk about wanting to smack someone. But in a poised and dignified response I said " Oh Dear, that would be lovely if you were to be able to remain home." Ok, maybe it wasn't quite like that, but I said that it would be wonderful. We both operated under no delusions and upon his going to the armory the next day we both knew that this was going to hurt us in the end, so we continued to live and have discussions as if he will be deployed.
I fought and fought to not even think of it. To not think that we would be together for our first anniversary, that he would be home for our first christmas as a family, that he would be able to help me decide what to do with the house, that we could go camping on the weekends, that he would be by my side almost every night when I fall asleep. No, I didn't think about all that stuff at all.
I'm lying to you all......I thought about it and got sick to my stomach because I knew I was setting myself up to be more hurt, more angry, more betrayed when it all fell out from under us. He was supposed to find out today if he got the job. When he called last night (he's away for training again) I asked him how they were going to let him know. He said he would be back in time to sign the papers. In my confused civilian way, I said "I'm confused" he said "oh I got the job." Just like that.....no guess what?!!?!? Nothing.....I asked him if he wasn't happy about it and he said he was, but I don't think he is now. I think he's going to feel guilty that he isn't going with his guys and he will change his mind.
My stomach is ripped to shredds. I have a steady diet of tums now. So many ups and downs. Never knowing how to feel. For I think the first time last night, I didn't want to talk to him. I told him he sounded tired and he should get some good sleep, but honestly I just didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want my happy bubble to explode quite yet. And I don't know how much more my system can take. I can deal with him staying (obviously) and I know I will find a way to deal with him going (like I was beginning to), but never knowing what will happen today is overwhelming me.
Besides, what will I do with this blog if he's here? Eh, I'm sure I'll find something to gripe about.