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Just waiting

They keep postponing the departure date. Not that I mind the fact that it will be less time in country, but I know it is wearing on everyone. Our conversations are strained to say the least. There really isn't anything new to talk about, but yet we still want to talk because soon we won't be able to as much. I find myself talking about the dumbest stuff, just to hold a conversation because I can't stand the silence either.

When I look back on the last year, I realize that I still don't know what being married is like. I was married 10 years ago and that definitely was a mistake and jaded my view of marriage, so when we got married this past May I was excited to have my feelings about it change. But the situation has been such that I still don't know what it really feels like.

I still have people complain to me that they don't get to see their husbands as much as they would like because they work opposite shifts. How can they not stop and think that hey you still crawl into bed together everynight and feel them sleeping there next to you and you know they are safe. I don't. I crawl into our bed alone and soon I will be laying there wondering where he is, what he is doing, and if he is ok. How can they not understand it's like punching me in the gut everytime they say stuff like that?! Why do I have to point it out, doesn't anyone think outside of their own lives to be able to see when someone is hurting? I'm not going to tell them. I'm not going to ask for help. Yes, I am stubborn and in the long run I may have things to deal with in order to be normal again when he gets home, but I'm not going to run around trying to find someone who cares, knowing that just don't really know how.

Put on a happy face. Pretend it's all good. No one knows because no one is really looking into my eyes to know. Even I fool myself. I go through the day, thinking of all the stuff the kids and I can do this summer and how much fun we are going to have, like everything is normal and the sad truth is that it is normal. He wasn't around for so much time after we got married because he was always training. Our lives haven't really changed since I was single and when I really allow myself to think about it, I'm pissed. I'm angry that I allowed myself to love again when I only chose someone who wouldn't be there and I would be on my own again. I want to be pampered and loved and important to my partner, but how could I have all the things I always wanted a marriage to be when my husband isn't here? I know it's selfish, but it's how I feel right now.

I asked him if he thought our marriage was strong enough to last during a year of being apart and he said yes. No hesitance, nothing. Just yes. So, if he believes it why am I so scared?

3 Comments:

  1. Susan said...
    "Putting on a happy face" or what I called "living in denial" worked for me most of the deployment. I don't know if it was the best way to handle things, but that is how I am, stubborn. I wish I would have asked for help more, just to be able to have some time by myself to think, cry, scream, whatever.
    IM'ing with other spouses was a live saver, I sent you an email ... so if you ever need anything, or just need to "talk" to a grown-up that understands how infuriating it is to hear people complain that their husband is on a business trip for a week so they "know how you feel" arrrgh.
    liberal army wife said...
    putting on the happy face works for a while, but after a bit, you do want to snap at them! and sometimes, they need it. find someone to IM or Email or Chat with, who is or has been in the same boat. A battle buddy for you is important, see if during those wierd phone calls (I remember, NOTHING to say... but even starting to read the local paper to him, just to stay on the phone!) find out if he knows any guys who have a wife/fiance whatever that you can hook up with. It's a life saver, really! and through her, you can meet others like you. Because you have joined a very tight club, tight because it needs to be, and because no civilian CAN understand.

    LAW
    trying said...
    i hate it when my civy friends complain b/c their husband will be home at 7 instead of 5. makes me want to toss them into a wall. they havent a clue.

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