Today was a horrible day. I had to have a conversation with my husband that I was trying at all costs to avoid, but it couldn't be anymore. It left me feeling dead inside like I do now. But then I came home and a story was on the news about Johnathan Cote, the contractor that was kidnapped in Iraq a year ago. Read his story here.

I sobbed so hard I had to leave the room so the kids didn't think something was wrong with me. I didn't know him or his family and yet if I was young enough to join the military, I think this would have been the incentive to do it. WTF????? They kidnapped him a year ago. His family has had to live with the unknown and the horrible unknown at that for a year! I've been going on and on about how I'm going to get through this year and all this time this family has waited for some word of their son/brother/etc. and not knowing anything. I can't imagine the hell that must have been for them and I just am so angry that these monsters put them all through that. I'm so pissed right now!!! I'm crying again just writing about it because it frustrates me that this is still happening when we've been there for 5 friggin years!!!! And every time you turn around you hear stories about how they have to get clearance from everyone and Moses just to be able to protect themselves in a blows my mind. A few weeks ago the family received word that one of his fingers was positively identified as one of the 5 they received. Just weeks ago. They kept him alive for a year. They kept the family's hope alive for a year. They kept his hope alive for a year that he would be rescued and that those men would come to justice. And then they destroyed the lives of so many by taking the life of one and I want them to be punished for it. God help me, I just want to see some kind of justice in this life. For the families and little kids who won't ever see their dads or moms again because they went to fight the bad guys. The bad guys can't win anymore...they just can't. The one left at home need justice.

Who am I to decide what is justice. I don't know. I don't know what I want that will make me feel like everything is ok again. I don't think it's out there. I truly wish it was. His family has operated with grace and peacefullness through this whole ordeal and I wish I could too, but I've had enough. I've just had enough of the hell that has been residing on earth. I just want it to stop.

Tomorrow I would like to wake up and everything will be normal. Things will be ok again and there won't be anything else to worry about or think about. What I wouldn't give right now for the chance to be a kid again.


  1. liberal army wife said...
    why crying? because it sucked - and because you are consumed by it all. It's very fresh for you - and your emotions are right at the surface. I can't tell you it's all going to end. I can't tell you everything is going to be perfect. BUT I can tell you that you are strong enough to make it.

    Anonymous said...

    You ARE going to make it.

    You're in the beginning now where your head is still trying to make sense of what is happening and you have no sense of routine yet. Soon it will become 'new normal.' Like LAW said it's not going to be perfect or easy, but you're going to do it and come out the other side amazed at how strong you really are.
    liberal army wife said...
    are you alright? just checking.


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