Making sense of it

Back when my husband found out he was going to deploy we decided that instead of waiting until next year, we would get married this year before he goes. I knew I wanted to marry him and a deployment wasn't going to be a catalyst or a deterrent to that. And as I've said before, I knew that I would have to accept his life as a soldier if I wanted to spend my life with him and I made the conscious decision to do so. He originally told me that they had to go, there were no options. Come to find out that during the first time I got to meet his Guard buddies in their discussions the word volunteered was used quite frequently. At which point he turned to me and said "oh yeah, I volunteered to go." At the time, my initial reaction was anger that he lied to me about something so big. I have never stood in his way in his military career because it is part of him and to me it would be no different than him asking me to give up my kids, so I didn't understand why he lied. He said he didn't want me to be upset and think that he did it so he could get away from me.

So fast forward 5 months later. We are married and still planning for his deployment sometime in the next 6 months or so. So during this time I have tried to make it make sense to my "non soldier" self. But in reading other blogs I have heard the sentiment from other soldiers about them feeling like they need to be there and they actually miss it when they leave.

Here's me in honest, raw form. Take it with a grain of salt and try not to hate me. He is choosing to deploy because "all his friends are going". He is not trying to get away from me or our life together, but he wants to be with them. I nod and pretend I understand and support him as best I can. Inside I rage... So he chooses to go....chooses mind you, and God forbid something happens to him. I know I will be angry that he chose them over us and now something has happened. I hate myself for it. I shouldn't even think that something could happen to him but I don't know how to deal with this almost jealousy over his choice. I guess him being told he has to go would in some way make it easier because there would be no choice. Because he wouldn't be choosing living in a war zone over living with me (ok I know sometimes I might be mistaken for the queen of a warzone, but we aren't talking about me). I can't help but take it personally and then I can undertand why he lied to me in the first place.

I do want to understand. I want to stop walking around with this guilt because I am the only one who knows he volunteered. Most of all, I want that day to come when I say goodbye and I'm honestly ok with his decision to go. That I can honor him for the soldier he is and not be thinking about the reasons he is leaving.

I know the soldiers out there who too have made the choice to go despite their families' reactions, may not understand how we cannot understand, but we don't. We aren't soldiers. The thing that calls us and motivates us and makes us feel like we matter is our calling to you. And when you want to go away I guess on some level we feel like we've failed. We haven't been able to complete our mission. I will continue to love my husband for ALL that he is. He is a grandson, a son, a husband, a step-dad, a man and a soldier. If any of those things are taken away, he wouldn't be him. And yes, loving him is worth it all.


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