Rookie Army National Guard Wife

Ok...panicking now.....have I changed enough....40 lbs still isn't enough.....will the clothes look alright....will he even notice.......what's it gonna be like the first time I see him again.....will it be akward to kiss again.....will I feel safe like I used to when he holds me.....has too much happened to be able to be open again......can I hold it together while he is here.....how will I say goodbye .....again.

Two weeks......two weeks until he leaves there and a few days after that until we are standing face to face again. I'm proud to say, I've learned my limits. I know when a conversation is heading in a direction that will push me back into the "dark side" and I excuse myself politely. He is none the wiser and we don't have an argument. I'm more sensitive to things with him than I was - just scaired of new paint chipping and revealing all the damage still underneath. I mean really what can truly be done right now. He is trying and I've found some affection for him still bubbling beneath the surface, but it's still so laden with fear and hurt that I can't make heads or tails of it all.

When he comes home it won't be the time to discuss any of it. He thinks we'll be ok and maybe we will be, but for right now I'll settle being able to hang out with my best friend again. Through this whole thing, I knew that I didn't want him out of my life completely, I really just wanted to stop hurting. Everyone keeps telling me that once we're together again it will be just like it used to be. I don't think it will be because now I carry so much baggage and who knows what he has experienced since he's been there. I don't need things to be the same, I just need us to work for tomorrow together. That's all. Just together.

So, 2 weeks. Try as I might not to look forward to it (in case something changes) the days are marked off on my calendar. I still have outfits picked out ready to go. I still will go buy something pretty to wear. Gosh, sometimes, I'm such a girl.

In a few weeks he'll be home on R & R. I'm really nervous. Our phone conversations have been a tad on the boring side. I think neither one of us really know what to say. He has been very loving in his emails and phone calls and I'm sorry to report that I'm having a hard time feeling safe enough to return it. I respond but it feels so empty to me. I do still love him and I miss my friend terribly, but I'm afraid that if I allow to start feeling close to him again it just will end up hurting over and over. We'll be going away for a few days just the two of us. I just hope everything goes well....I really do.

Ok, so how could this possible get worse? Today, after just days ago discussing whether we are going to stay together and him assuring me that he will never give up on us and being with me is what he truly wants, he calls today to tell me that he was thinking about staying for an extra four months. I really thought I heard him wrong. But I didn't. I guess, we aren't that important after all.

In the beginning of this deployment I was certain nothing could shake us and we would be as strong as ever when he returned. Actually what it did was expose the weak spots of our marriage and put constant pressure on them until they have grown and overtaken what was good.

We are at an impass right now. I honestly don't know what's going to happen at this point. He will be coming home on leave soon and I guess we'll find out where we stand then. Then when he's home for good we'll know if we are going to get counseling and work through it or we're going to agree to be apart.

Before anything, he was my friend. That is what is holding this together for me right now. I don't want it to end badly because I enjoy his friendship and I don't want us to be bitter with each other.

If ever, this is the time when I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see into the future and find out what's going to happen. This deployment would have been much easier to handle if we weren't having marital problems. Where did we go wrong?