Lesson Learned

Months have gone by and I have been handling this deployment in my own messed up way. I know I should have talked to someone awhile ago, but for me, it was almost a form of defeat if I couldn't do this on my own.

Today, the wall that I had built up around me crashed. First thing this morning I received a phone call that 3 men in my husband's unit were killed by an IED yesterday. She actually said the words "your husband was not one of them." It hit me hard. I guess I had been able to make this whole thing seem like he was still just in the states training. That he wasn't half a world away and in danger. Not my husband....he was still the same old guy that found a little pleasure in driving me nuts and he was ok.

Everything that I had stuffed so far inside me came rushing out. But I was at work and couldn't really have the cry or screaming fit that I wanted to. I still want to scream at the top of my lungs and find a way to make this make sense. But I can't, and I don't know if I ever will because deep down I know it will never make sense.

To those families who have lost their loved one, I will hit my knees tonight and pray for peace and comfort for all of you. I know I couldn't truly know how your hearts are breaking today but my thoughts are with you.

Please, God, no more....

1 Comment:

  1. liberal army wife said...
    There's literally nothing we can say that's going to help that feeling. Nothing. except, my dear rookie, it's NORMAL! This is what many of us call "survivor spouse guilt". It's that feeling of thank god it's not my husband, then the realization that it was someone else's husband/son/brother. It's happened to many of us, and when it's Guard folks, it's a little harder, because you aren't as deep into the Army as the Active folks are. My DH was Guard when he was in Iraq - so I do know how you feel. That said, my dear you know that this may happen again. and you need to be able to deal. yes, go in the bathroom and cry - I did it at work a few times. go outside, get in your car and scream at the top of your lungs. then get a counselor - Military One Step can help with this. someone you can talk to. I know, I'm a damned broken record, but it does help.

    If it helps, know that there are many of us out here, who do understand.


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