Months have gone by and I have been handling this deployment in my own messed up way. I know I should have talked to someone awhile ago, but for me, it was almost a form of defeat if I couldn't do this on my own.
Today, the wall that I had built up around me crashed. First thing this morning I received a phone call that 3 men in my husband's unit were killed by an IED yesterday. She actually said the words "your husband was not one of them." It hit me hard. I guess I had been able to make this whole thing seem like he was still just in the states training. That he wasn't half a world away and in danger. Not my husband....he was still the same old guy that found a little pleasure in driving me nuts and he was ok.
Everything that I had stuffed so far inside me came rushing out. But I was at work and couldn't really have the cry or screaming fit that I wanted to. I still want to scream at the top of my lungs and find a way to make this make sense. But I can't, and I don't know if I ever will because deep down I know it will never make sense.
To those families who have lost their loved one, I will hit my knees tonight and pray for peace and comfort for all of you. I know I couldn't truly know how your hearts are breaking today but my thoughts are with you.
Please, God, no more....
Will I ever feel normal again?
What does normal even feel like?
How will I be able to keep saying goodbye without it destroying myself?
Why do people tell the Hubs that they will look in on me and make sure everything is ok when they never had any intention of doing so?
Why does Hubs not get that I really can't do this anymore?
Will he understand one day that I really just needed some assurance that he loved me and that I just don't work for him?
Will we hate each other before anything ever truly gets understood?
How did I get so good at pretending that everything is ok?
Do I even know what reality is anymore?
Will I have a chance of allowing myself to trust again?
Where does the pain and anger go when inside you just want it all to end?
Why did he volunteer to do this?
Will I ever not feel so alone again?