Rookie Army National Guard Wife

Today marks one year since hubs and I were married. Everything about today so far mimics what the day was like last year as well. Everything except for obvious missing elements, like him, being happy, and looking forward to tomorrow.

I know what's been bugging me so much lately. All day at work I take care of 10 different people and whatever they need. Drop this to do that. Can you do this now? I need......blah blah blah. Then I go home and I take care of 2 little people that need me to do stuff for them. Then I have a husband who needs stuff so I have to be on top of what I need to send him and his stuff back home and taking care of his business affairs. Then there's my parents who have expectations for me that I try to fulfill (although I don't think I will ever be able to). At the end of every day, I feel so drained and worn down that there is nothing left inside me except frustration and anger.

I am an invisible entity to those around me. My sole purpose in this life is what they need from me and heaven help me if I don't perform. Well guess what? I'm tired....no, I'm sick and tired. Would a thank you kill them? Would a small gesture of hey I appreciate you be too much for them to muster up? I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want someone to notice and to care not because I'm upset, but because they honestly can look into my eyes and know I need it. I would love a letter right now filled with anything remotely sounding like he cared. Even a sentence or two. Anything, because I'm starving for some sort of affection right now and to know that I matter to someone.

My anniversary is almost here. Last year at this time I was a completely different person. I was excited and nervous and stressed, but all that would soon calm as soon as the last dance took place and we were off to begin our lives together with each other. Almost a year has passed and I'm not really sure where we are. Is this normal? I have no idea. I don't even really know how I'm feeling about all this anymore. I guess the day to day and sometimes hour by hour emotional rollercoaster has finally taken it's toll and now I can't feel anything. I'm really scared that by the time he comes home we will have grown so far apart that we won't be able to find each other again. I don't even know how he is feeling about anything regarding us and it's impossible to start a conversation about it only to read the words my time is up I gotta go and then there is no resolution. I feel like I'm such a bad person and especially a horrible wife. I'm doing all the duties of an army wife, but I'm feeling nothing inside. Doesn't that mean that I'm cold and really screwed up?! My instincts tell me it is messed up, but I don't have even one clue on how to make it better.

So with all that going on inside me, I obsess about my diet now. Exercising especially. Down 19 lbs and only 1 more to go to reach my goal for the month and then it's on to my next goal. I need to feel success about something and I need to get myself in control in any situation. I'm just so tired of all the confusion around me that this is safe because it is totally reliant on me and my efforts. I hope everything will be ok again someday.

May I first say that while most of the time my blog is full of "woe is me's", I have to add more positive notes because I am feeling pretty darn good lately. On the hubs front, we are trying to work our stuff out.....ok I'm trying to find a way to deal and he happily has no idea...that of course will be a continuing saga I'm sure.

But on a lighter note....I'm lighter!!! Down 16lbs so far and my goal is 4 more by the end of the month. I set little goals along the way for numbers that mean something to me. But really I have gained a lot too! I have gained a sense of me. I feel healthier and more lively. I'm more aware of moving my body more and being more active. I look at food as a source of fuel for me to feel better instead of a drug that I use to cover what hurts. I can be at parties and say no and really be ok with it. I am in control of me for the first time in such a long time and I can't tell you how amazing it is.

Someone at work today told me hubs won't even recognize me when he gets home. I told him if he needed pics of me I would keep sending old ones so he wouldn't even know what I looked like so when I pick him up at the airport it will be a surprise. I can't wait....well I can cause I'm not there yet. I even have two pairs of pants that I can slip off without unbuttoning them....that's so cool!!!

So next goal is on board....I'll check back with ya on that one.

Tonight I graduated with my BBA. Hubs watched my kids for the first time by himself the night I started the program two years ago. I always expected to see him in the audience during the ceremony and being there to hug me when I got done and tell me how proud he is of me. But tonight, no hubs, just a room full of people that somehow made me feel so alone inside.

I guess that means that despite what we are going through during this deployment, that I love him with my whole heart. I just want it to be us again.

So here's to hubs, I missed you tonight and I love you.

Today's the day I have reached my limitations on how much I can take. Believe me when I say it's ugly.

During a chat today with hubs he told me that he wants to change units when he gets home to go to a unit his friend just joined this past winter. A unit who happens to be in the process of training for their deployment sometime within the next year or two. So I say, but won't you have to deploy if they do, he says he'll have to deploy at least once more before his contract is done but he might be able to get out of it if they go.

My desired reaction: stop typing, close the chat, turn off the computer, get in my car and keep driving until I can get far enough away for it to not hurt anymore.

My response: my heart is broken.

The right thing to say..probably not, but come on. We're not even halfway done with this deployment and now you bring up that when you get home after a year being gone that you might be deployed right away again and I'm supposed to smile and say "good for you honey!"?!?!?!

Well I can't. May 25th marks our 1 year anniversary and so far I still don't feel like I'm even married. I feel like I found another boss to work for while I'm not at work. I honestly could not take a deployment right after he gets home. I'm being totally honest and sincere when I say that it will destroy us because it will destroy me. This has already taken what life I had in me completely out. My friends all laugh and enjoy that I get overly funny when I'm stressed out because I need someone to laugh around me because I feel so empty inside. He volunteered to go on this deployment because his "boys" were going and they have to stick together and now all he wants is out. And now because his friend will be deploying he should be with him. Well, when is it going to be my turn? I just want to feel normal again. I would love not to feel so angry all the time and most of all I would love to not have to live this double life of pretending to everyone else that everything is ok. It's not. I'm not. I just don't know what to do anymore.

So far it has been 2 weeks and I am down 14 lbs. I am exercising and eating very healthy. I have been able to say no to the "just a little won't hurt" situations and have felt stronger in myself than I have for a long time.

Hubs seems to be concerned now that I am doing this so I can find a new man. Why do they do that? He doesn't seem to be honestly upset about it but he wouldn't have said it if he wasn't at least thinking about it. I told him that I just want to make sure I'm the first pick for the trophy wife phase that my son seems to think should be coming any day now since he is already in his muscle car phase. Lots of pressure for this old broad!

In all reality though, I don't think I would be able to do this if he was here. Not that he isn't supportive because he is even to the point of doing my diets with me and for him that wouldn't be good, he's already thin. Just because I needed this deployment to push me out of my self loathing nest and really decide to make a change. I guess the deployment gave me enough anger and frustration that it had to come out somewhere and it wasn't going to be him, so here I am. I am happier and stronger and hopeful for the first time in a VERY long time. I go to bed every night and picture what I want to look like when he comes home and what kind of outfit I'm going to wear. It keeps me motivated and I get to play dress up without all the costume changes!

Anyway, happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Hug your babies close and for all the moms whose babies are serving our country, I hope you get the hug that you need from them really soon.

May 9th is Military Spouse Day
Posted: 08 May 2008 07:50 AM CDT
The following text is from a proclamation by the President. The video before President Bush’s Proclamation is one produced by the Army for the Army families. Break out the tissues, you will probably need them.
Military spouses embody the courage, nobility of duty, and love of country that inspire every American. On Military Spouse Day, we pay tribute to the husbands and wives who support their spouses in America’s Armed Forces during times of war and peace.
The legacy of military spouses began when colonial Americans were fighting for independence. Martha Washington boosted the morale of her husband’s troops by visiting battlefields and tending to the wounded. Since then, members of our Armed Forces have served our Nation accompanied by the steadfast love and support of their spouses and families.
While our men and women in uniform are protecting our country’s founding ideals of liberty, democracy, and justice, their spouses live with uncommon challenges, endure sleepless nights, and spend long periods raising children alone. Many military spouses are also committed volunteers, serving other military families and local communities. Our Nation benefits from the sacrifices of our military families, and we are inspired by their courage, strength, and leadership.
On Military Spouse Day and throughout the year, we honor the commitment spouses have made to freedom’s cause. To learn about ways to support our troops and their spouses and families, I encourage all Americans to visit www.americasupportsyou.mil.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim May 9, 2008, as Military Spouse Day. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this day with appropriate ceremonies and activities and by expressing their gratitude to the husbands and wives of those serving in the United States Armed Forces.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fifth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.
GEORGE W. BUSH

It's funny how there's an invisible switch inside of you that can suddenly change your feelings and outlook in a matter of moments. I was at such a low point with this deployment that I wasn't sure I would ever find my way out, let alone how our relationship would survive. The problem was that he didn't even know how I was feeling. He really had no idea that I was in such a hole emotionally when it came to us. I suppose someday, when we are on the other side of this I will tell him where to find my blog, but for now, I don't want him to know.

I think the hardest part has been feeling so alone and yet not knowing how to ask for help or to communicate that and then getting angry because people didn't instinctively know that I felt like I was dead inside, especially him. I felt like my role was only to do and to put all that I had into a relationship that I felt nothing out of anymore. What ended up happening was that I was empty and had nothing more to give.

Fortunately, things are better. One email with a couple lines from him and I felt like it was all going to be ok again. We still have a long time to go and I'm truly hoping it will be, but I have to say that I love him, but I am hating this part of my life. I've been so involved with everyone else and what they need from me that my graduation is less than 2 weeks away and I realized I haven't ordered my cap and gown or gotten the invitations. Everyone else has what they need though.

But I have begun a journey just for me and I'm not going to fail myself anymore. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I was actually thin for a few years after high school but then I got pregnant and that was the end of that and I have dieted and taken pills and bought exercise equipment in such quantities that I probably could open my own gym. Even in the 3 years we've been together he has stood by me during my new latest and greatest and always told me it doesn't matter to him he will always love me no matter what. The sad truth is that I have never fully believed him. Because I think that I don't love me this way. He's only known me this way and I want to surprise him when he gets home. But really, I'm just sick of giving all of myself to everyone else and yet letting myself fail me each time.

So, week 1 on this diet with healthy food I would have never tried before and a great walking partner I am down 10lbs!!! I will never conquer anything if I can't even conquer myself and today is the day.

Today was a horrible day. I had to have a conversation with my husband that I was trying at all costs to avoid, but it couldn't be anymore. It left me feeling dead inside like I do now. But then I came home and a story was on the news about Johnathan Cote, the contractor that was kidnapped in Iraq a year ago. Read his story here.

I sobbed so hard I had to leave the room so the kids didn't think something was wrong with me. I didn't know him or his family and yet if I was young enough to join the military, I think this would have been the incentive to do it. WTF????? They kidnapped him a year ago. His family has had to live with the unknown and the horrible unknown at that for a year! I've been going on and on about how I'm going to get through this year and all this time this family has waited for some word of their son/brother/etc. and not knowing anything. I can't imagine the hell that must have been for them and I just am so angry that these monsters put them all through that. I'm so pissed right now!!! I'm crying again just writing about it because it frustrates me that this is still happening when we've been there for 5 friggin years!!!! And every time you turn around you hear stories about how they have to get clearance from everyone and Moses just to be able to protect themselves in a warzone....it blows my mind. A few weeks ago the family received word that one of his fingers was positively identified as one of the 5 they received. Just weeks ago. They kept him alive for a year. They kept the family's hope alive for a year. They kept his hope alive for a year that he would be rescued and that those men would come to justice. And then they destroyed the lives of so many by taking the life of one and I want them to be punished for it. God help me, I just want to see some kind of justice in this life. For the families and little kids who won't ever see their dads or moms again because they went to fight the bad guys. The bad guys can't win anymore...they just can't. The one left at home need justice.

Who am I to decide what is justice. I don't know. I don't know what I want that will make me feel like everything is ok again. I don't think it's out there. I truly wish it was. His family has operated with grace and peacefullness through this whole ordeal and I wish I could too, but I've had enough. I've just had enough of the hell that has been residing on earth. I just want it to stop.

Tomorrow I would like to wake up and everything will be normal. Things will be ok again and there won't be anything else to worry about or think about. What I wouldn't give right now for the chance to be a kid again.

Just waiting....wondering.....hoping to wake up and realize all of it is just a dream.

It's not.....he's gone. I'm here. So much is happening right now that I want to talk to him about but I can't. How is it possible that this will get better?!!

Today, I am having a difficult time pretending I want to listen to people complain about things that I perceive as being stupid. I know, to them it isn't, but I just can't help it, I'm crabby. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned and felt more anxious as the minutes ticked by. Partly because I have a new opportunity that is a bit of risk, but I think I'm going for it, so I'm nervous about that. The other part is that I feel so conflicted all the time about my relationship. I love him, but I'm sick of feeling like I'm around so I can take care of things. He still doesn't know when my birthday is. Yes, it's trivial, but I know everything about him and I just feel like he can't even be bothered to remember a day that is the only thing I have that is just about me. I couldn't feel any less special. So, that started my mind on a journey into "things he's done to piss me off" land. Then I couldn't stop thinking because I felt guilty then that I'm being so selfish while he's getting shot at. But is it wrong to want to know you are the most valued thing to someone when you go out of your way to make them feel that way?

Being a relatively strong individual who really isn't afraid of being alone, I never expected to be feeling the way that I do. I'm almost in a panic that I can't call him or text him or even email with the expectation he will be able to read it. It's like we have been blocked off from each other completely and I feel it in my stomach all the time.

I check the time there all day long, trying to imagine "what is he doing"...."is he sleeping now?"...."when will I hear his voice again?".

He officially landed a couple days ago and it is really happening now. No more wondering or waiting....it's here. From the ladies who have responded to my blog in the past, I guess this will get better. There will come a day again, when I will feel ok, but right now, it's just hard.

My temper is amazingly short too. I don't want to let anyone in right now. Some friends think since he's gone now we should be able to go and do whatever all the time. I don't feel like it right now and I'm pissed that they think this is some kind of vacation for me or something. I'm pissed when people complain about stupid things. I'm pissed when someone asks about him that I know really doesn't care about the answer but I'm thier token "support the soldier" gesture.

I'm just pissed......this life isn't fair, it isn't right. Because stupid people out there decided we weren't fit to live because we don't agree with their beliefs we have to send people that we love and cherish into their hands so they can try to kill them! WTF!!!!!!! What made them think they have the right to decided who should live or die? How do they wake up every morning and spend their day planning the deaths of whoever they can take because they think it's what their god commands of them. I don't remember anyone asking me if it was ok to take my husband for year away from his family, away from me so he can trek around dodging bullets because they don't think he should be alive. I know what my answer would have been......and I'm certain it would be the same for all the wives and children and families who spend their days and nights alone wondering if everything really will be ok like their soldier told them before he/she left.

You know what, it's not ok. It won't be ok until we all can hold our soldier close again and smell them and hear thier heart beating while we lay our heads on thier chest. That's when it will be ok again, and I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that this year will go by fast. Really....well are you going to curl up with me during the nights when my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest and I can't quiet the voices in my head. Are you going to play with my kids and do fun things with them while I go have a good cry so I don't have to wait until they are asleep? Are you going to fly over there and see how fast the year goes by in a warzone? No....probably not, so stop expecting me to be flitting around like I'm some sort of fairy from happy land. Stop condemning me when I feel sad or when I'm worried or lonely. Stop trying to give me the snippets of advise that have nothing to do with my life, but help you get through your 1/2 hour of separation when you go shopping and hubs is at home.....awwww poor girl.

Well, time to slap on the happy, brave "I'm ok" face and get back to my life. Crap.

• Feedback on the phone when you are trying to have a conversation about nothing.
• The conversation is about nothing because you can't think of anything that seems even remotely important when hubs is in a warzone.
• Having to explain where he is or when you last talked to him a thousand times to different people all day long when all you really want to do is not think about it for a few minutes.
• Becoming an expert in the communications industry for international calling.
• People think you're joking when you tell them you've had enough.
• Picking up the phone to text or call when something cool happens only to realize, they won't get it.
• Balancing the checkbook only to check later and realize they took out more.
• Trying to find the perfect thing to send him, find it, send it, only to have him ask for something literally right after the package is mailed.
• Doing laundry and finding some of his clothes he wore while he was home and smelling them in hopes to get the last whiff of him before you wash it away.
• Realizing that you are every bit a girl even when you try to be so darn tough.
• Constantly doing the math in your head every time you look at your clock to figure out what time it is over there.

They keep postponing the departure date. Not that I mind the fact that it will be less time in country, but I know it is wearing on everyone. Our conversations are strained to say the least. There really isn't anything new to talk about, but yet we still want to talk because soon we won't be able to as much. I find myself talking about the dumbest stuff, just to hold a conversation because I can't stand the silence either.

When I look back on the last year, I realize that I still don't know what being married is like. I was married 10 years ago and that definitely was a mistake and jaded my view of marriage, so when we got married this past May I was excited to have my feelings about it change. But the situation has been such that I still don't know what it really feels like.

I still have people complain to me that they don't get to see their husbands as much as they would like because they work opposite shifts. How can they not stop and think that hey you still crawl into bed together everynight and feel them sleeping there next to you and you know they are safe. I don't. I crawl into our bed alone and soon I will be laying there wondering where he is, what he is doing, and if he is ok. How can they not understand it's like punching me in the gut everytime they say stuff like that?! Why do I have to point it out, doesn't anyone think outside of their own lives to be able to see when someone is hurting? I'm not going to tell them. I'm not going to ask for help. Yes, I am stubborn and in the long run I may have things to deal with in order to be normal again when he gets home, but I'm not going to run around trying to find someone who cares, knowing that just don't really know how.

Put on a happy face. Pretend it's all good. No one knows because no one is really looking into my eyes to know. Even I fool myself. I go through the day, thinking of all the stuff the kids and I can do this summer and how much fun we are going to have, like everything is normal and the sad truth is that it is normal. He wasn't around for so much time after we got married because he was always training. Our lives haven't really changed since I was single and when I really allow myself to think about it, I'm pissed. I'm angry that I allowed myself to love again when I only chose someone who wouldn't be there and I would be on my own again. I want to be pampered and loved and important to my partner, but how could I have all the things I always wanted a marriage to be when my husband isn't here? I know it's selfish, but it's how I feel right now.

I asked him if he thought our marriage was strong enough to last during a year of being apart and he said yes. No hesitance, nothing. Just yes. So, if he believes it why am I so scared?

I returned home after visiting with my husband to say our last goodbyes before he leaves on his deployment. Everything seems so surreal right now. Like I wasn't even really there and none of this is truly happening. He cried this time when we said goodbye. I was surprised. He is always so soldierish that I didn't think he would ever let it go like that. Oh, not that he was balling or anything but just to see a tear slide down his cheek was something.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. Part of me wants to break down and cry for all that I feel like I'm losing but the rest of me wants to shove it somewhere away from me and just move forward. Part of doing that is so silly because things that happened in our relationship that bugged me that I never really dealt with with him are the things that are crossing my mind and I'm actually getting angry all over again. I've always known that the easiest emotion to feel is anger, but the timing seems a bit ridiculous.

So, this is the beginning of the real journey. I don't know where it will take us, but if you keep reading, I'm sure you'll find out all the good, bad, and the ugly.

Forgive me for my moment of being a girl, but......................


Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (jumping up and down clapping like a kid)

Tomorrow.......looking into his eyes........seeing him in front of me..............laughing with him over silly things..............just being together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh, I cannot wait. 3 days of being together and a 12 hour drive where he is all mine on the fourth day.........thank goodness for passes.

I will blog more soon, but for now, I have some reaquainting to do........

I get to see him this week and I can't wait!!!!!

If I were counting the days left I would tell you it is only 10 days away and I will once again be in his arms and all this blubbering I have been doing will have to be put away so I can enjoy our last days together before he is off American soil.

Sometimes I feel so proud of myself that I have made it this far and without any major public melt downs. Oh I have had them, but in the privacy of my room at night or the bathtub with bubbles and a beer. He still has no idea the hell that rages inside me every day. He said he will find this blog someday so he can know all of what I've been saying and I told him he is free to read but I would ask that he wouldn't until he is home for good. He asked why and I told him that the purpose of the blog is to get the things off my chest that I don't want to burden him with and if he read it now, it would defeat the purpose. He then apologized for putting me through this. A small part of me wanted to say that yeah, you volunteered for this....this was your choice to go and no one made you, but you felt an obiligation to the guys more than you did for us....but really, at this point, would it matter. So I said that I knew that he was going to deploy when we decided to get married. It was the catalyst at least to us getting married. That I won't lie and tell him that everything is roses but that this really sucks worse than anything I have experienced in my short little life, but if I have to go through this year to get to a lifetime of us being together then it will always be worth it. He said that's exactly what he needed to hear, and in a way I knew that it was. Did I mean it, yes...unequivocally, but I am still scared about this next year. This has only been 8 weeks so far.....there are still 52 more to go......WTF?!?!?!?

I have read other wives blogs and thought to myself that they have had it much worse and it's much suckier when your hubby is active military. I don't know if I could do it. I have always had a fascination for the military (no not just the uniforms, although it is a benefit). But I have to say that if, God forbid, our relationship doesn't work out I will never date or marry anyone in the military. Not because I don't respect and honor them for being heroes because I do, but I don't think there will be anything left of my heart to go through this again. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to our military heroes, but it takes just as much a hero to love them and I don't think I'm there.

It's been awhile...I had a fun time with the stomach flu that my daughter graciously shared with me.....but we are all better now. So the news for this week is that as of Friday it will be 2 weeks and I will get to see my husband again for 4 days!!!! I'm so excited and so nervous at the same time. I don't want him to see me cry. I've been doing so good while he's been gone that I can hear in his voice that he has regained his confidence in being there because he isn't worried about me. I need to keep it that way, but I just want to curl up in his arms and let it all out because he always makes me feel better and safer. I need to keep it together. I have so much to do before he comes home....I can't believe it's been almost 7 weeks already.....and I feel like I have accomplished nothing! Now I'm in panic mode.