Rookie Army National Guard Wife

As his leave draws to a close I have faced all the answers I have gotten during this time. I was able to say things that I never thought I would say out loud and I have cried tears that I though were long dried up.

I have decided to conclude my time spent here with you. You have listened to all my crying and whining and bitching and I appreciate whole heartedly your comments and encouragement. I realized though that what was happening in my life wasn't because of the army or this deployment, perhaps all that just made me face what I had run from for so long but I honestly believe that it mocks those of you who do face deployments and separations and wait at home praying and hoping that all will be well again soon. You all deserve the time to blog and feel that support from a great group of milspouses waiting in the wings to encourage you on.

As for me, the next step isn't an easy one and I'm not sure what path will be trod, but I hold all of you in my heart and my thoughts and pray for the safe return of your hubbies and a life full of promise and love.

Ok...panicking now.....have I changed enough....40 lbs still isn't enough.....will the clothes look alright....will he even notice.......what's it gonna be like the first time I see him again.....will it be akward to kiss again.....will I feel safe like I used to when he holds me.....has too much happened to be able to be open again......can I hold it together while he is here.....how will I say goodbye .....again.

Two weeks......two weeks until he leaves there and a few days after that until we are standing face to face again. I'm proud to say, I've learned my limits. I know when a conversation is heading in a direction that will push me back into the "dark side" and I excuse myself politely. He is none the wiser and we don't have an argument. I'm more sensitive to things with him than I was - just scaired of new paint chipping and revealing all the damage still underneath. I mean really what can truly be done right now. He is trying and I've found some affection for him still bubbling beneath the surface, but it's still so laden with fear and hurt that I can't make heads or tails of it all.

When he comes home it won't be the time to discuss any of it. He thinks we'll be ok and maybe we will be, but for right now I'll settle being able to hang out with my best friend again. Through this whole thing, I knew that I didn't want him out of my life completely, I really just wanted to stop hurting. Everyone keeps telling me that once we're together again it will be just like it used to be. I don't think it will be because now I carry so much baggage and who knows what he has experienced since he's been there. I don't need things to be the same, I just need us to work for tomorrow together. That's all. Just together.

So, 2 weeks. Try as I might not to look forward to it (in case something changes) the days are marked off on my calendar. I still have outfits picked out ready to go. I still will go buy something pretty to wear. Gosh, sometimes, I'm such a girl.

In a few weeks he'll be home on R & R. I'm really nervous. Our phone conversations have been a tad on the boring side. I think neither one of us really know what to say. He has been very loving in his emails and phone calls and I'm sorry to report that I'm having a hard time feeling safe enough to return it. I respond but it feels so empty to me. I do still love him and I miss my friend terribly, but I'm afraid that if I allow to start feeling close to him again it just will end up hurting over and over. We'll be going away for a few days just the two of us. I just hope everything goes well....I really do.

Ok, so how could this possible get worse? Today, after just days ago discussing whether we are going to stay together and him assuring me that he will never give up on us and being with me is what he truly wants, he calls today to tell me that he was thinking about staying for an extra four months. I really thought I heard him wrong. But I didn't. I guess, we aren't that important after all.

In the beginning of this deployment I was certain nothing could shake us and we would be as strong as ever when he returned. Actually what it did was expose the weak spots of our marriage and put constant pressure on them until they have grown and overtaken what was good.

We are at an impass right now. I honestly don't know what's going to happen at this point. He will be coming home on leave soon and I guess we'll find out where we stand then. Then when he's home for good we'll know if we are going to get counseling and work through it or we're going to agree to be apart.

Before anything, he was my friend. That is what is holding this together for me right now. I don't want it to end badly because I enjoy his friendship and I don't want us to be bitter with each other.

If ever, this is the time when I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see into the future and find out what's going to happen. This deployment would have been much easier to handle if we weren't having marital problems. Where did we go wrong?

That's a tough one to answer. One that I have waited and put a lot of thought into.

I have started my own internet business that has been my light. It's giving me the ability to dream again and believe that maybe someday, it will all come true. I'm starting back to school for online courses on the 2nd of September. I'm making more of an effort to be a better mom to the kids and I'm really taking a look at the things that truly matter the most in life.

But in the areas where this blog counts, I'm not ok. In those areas I'm so lost that I truly want to block them all out and pretend that none of them exist. This war robbed me of my dreams for a family again. It robbed me of a man that I thought would be my best friend forever. It robbed me of the ability to trust again...an effort that I had to consciously make after 10 years of not trusting anyone. My pleas fall on deaf ears. Crying evokes anger and anything other than superficial conversations are too much of a bother.

What this war gave me was my anger back. It gave me the absolute need to reach for something bigger than myself. It gave me the independence that I had given up when I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Somehow, I don't think the scales are balancing though.

WHAT?! I replied in an unedited response. He caught me so off guard that I had no time to fake my reply like I usually can for some odd idea he comes up with. He said he wants to have a baby when he gets home...........mouths dropping open and the clear sound of thuds can be heard throughout the room. This was not part of the plan. This was discussed far in advance of us getting married. This after I've been working my butt off to lose weight. Down 32 lbs and in the gym 3 times a day and he wants to come home and make me fat again??????

Sigh, and the emmy goes to........ME!!!! I actually recovered quite quickly and said that I would be open to discuss it when he comes home and we'll decide from there whether we can or want to do that. I'll pause now for your applause and amazement. I am hoping it's just a legacy thing that comes up when someone faces mortality. Don't get me wrong, I know he would be an amazing father and I don't want to take that right away from him, but I already have screwed up 2 kids and I don't really want to mess up another one!

Then he comes out with one of the most amazing things I have ever heard him say and honestly the first time I have had a glimpse into his heart since he's been gone and I felt guilty. Guilty because I'm selfish, guilty because I just feel so empty inside that I'm honestly scaired of him coming home on leave because I'm afraid he's gonna think I hate him because I'm so used to being in off mode. Guilty because I'm still angry about how our relationship has been during this deployment.

Every conversation brings something new to ponder.....but nothing this heavy so far.

I have had a difficult time posting lately....I guess I got sick of hearing myself rant....which I think was at least healthier because it was getting out. But here it goes......

There have been a lot of changes in the past couple months. My health, I'm down 31 lbs so far my blood pressure is amazingly good and I feel great. I just joined a gym and people actually accused me of drinking today because I was so giddy when I got done. I just loved it...I can feel it in my body and it feels awesome!

I have started my own business and I'm loving it. I am loving putting effort into something for me and my family and just for us. I am determined to be free in the next few years and not have to be bound by the shackles of my desk any longer! Hey, send me an email if you might be interested in a shot with this....it is legit, trust me!

I am busier than ever and will be going back to school online for some more degrees. I just don't stop anymore. But here's the thing. As much as they are positive outlets and I'm enjoying them, I know I am just using them to run from the changes that are happening inside me. Changes I can't and won't admit to anyone. I did try, I really did.

Why? Two more families changed forever. Another phone call with the news no one wants to hear. It doesn't matter if I know them personally or not, it's still a loss that I feel deep within myself. Thankful that it isn't my family and yet guilty that I would think that. I've heard that that kind of thing is normal, but it still doesn't make me feel like a great human being.

My dad said that he was wondering how much longer it would be before I finally accepted this reality. He said he knew I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything about this year and he's said he's almost glad that I am finally not hiding. But I'm not. It's easier to pretend all this isn't real and it doesn't affect you. It's easier to not worry. It's easier to find something stupid to be angry about because then you aren't feeling the fear and loneliness. I liked my oblivion.

Months have gone by and I have been handling this deployment in my own messed up way. I know I should have talked to someone awhile ago, but for me, it was almost a form of defeat if I couldn't do this on my own.

Today, the wall that I had built up around me crashed. First thing this morning I received a phone call that 3 men in my husband's unit were killed by an IED yesterday. She actually said the words "your husband was not one of them." It hit me hard. I guess I had been able to make this whole thing seem like he was still just in the states training. That he wasn't half a world away and in danger. Not my husband....he was still the same old guy that found a little pleasure in driving me nuts and he was ok.

Everything that I had stuffed so far inside me came rushing out. But I was at work and couldn't really have the cry or screaming fit that I wanted to. I still want to scream at the top of my lungs and find a way to make this make sense. But I can't, and I don't know if I ever will because deep down I know it will never make sense.

To those families who have lost their loved one, I will hit my knees tonight and pray for peace and comfort for all of you. I know I couldn't truly know how your hearts are breaking today but my thoughts are with you.

Please, God, no more....

Will I ever feel normal again?
What does normal even feel like?
How will I be able to keep saying goodbye without it destroying myself?
Why do people tell the Hubs that they will look in on me and make sure everything is ok when they never had any intention of doing so?
Why does Hubs not get that I really can't do this anymore?
Will he understand one day that I really just needed some assurance that he loved me and that I just don't work for him?
Will we hate each other before anything ever truly gets understood?
How did I get so good at pretending that everything is ok?
Do I even know what reality is anymore?
Will I have a chance of allowing myself to trust again?
Where does the pain and anger go when inside you just want it all to end?
Why did he volunteer to do this?
Will I ever not feel so alone again?

Today marks one year since hubs and I were married. Everything about today so far mimics what the day was like last year as well. Everything except for obvious missing elements, like him, being happy, and looking forward to tomorrow.

I know what's been bugging me so much lately. All day at work I take care of 10 different people and whatever they need. Drop this to do that. Can you do this now? I need......blah blah blah. Then I go home and I take care of 2 little people that need me to do stuff for them. Then I have a husband who needs stuff so I have to be on top of what I need to send him and his stuff back home and taking care of his business affairs. Then there's my parents who have expectations for me that I try to fulfill (although I don't think I will ever be able to). At the end of every day, I feel so drained and worn down that there is nothing left inside me except frustration and anger.

I am an invisible entity to those around me. My sole purpose in this life is what they need from me and heaven help me if I don't perform. Well guess what? I'm tired....no, I'm sick and tired. Would a thank you kill them? Would a small gesture of hey I appreciate you be too much for them to muster up? I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want someone to notice and to care not because I'm upset, but because they honestly can look into my eyes and know I need it. I would love a letter right now filled with anything remotely sounding like he cared. Even a sentence or two. Anything, because I'm starving for some sort of affection right now and to know that I matter to someone.

My anniversary is almost here. Last year at this time I was a completely different person. I was excited and nervous and stressed, but all that would soon calm as soon as the last dance took place and we were off to begin our lives together with each other. Almost a year has passed and I'm not really sure where we are. Is this normal? I have no idea. I don't even really know how I'm feeling about all this anymore. I guess the day to day and sometimes hour by hour emotional rollercoaster has finally taken it's toll and now I can't feel anything. I'm really scared that by the time he comes home we will have grown so far apart that we won't be able to find each other again. I don't even know how he is feeling about anything regarding us and it's impossible to start a conversation about it only to read the words my time is up I gotta go and then there is no resolution. I feel like I'm such a bad person and especially a horrible wife. I'm doing all the duties of an army wife, but I'm feeling nothing inside. Doesn't that mean that I'm cold and really screwed up?! My instincts tell me it is messed up, but I don't have even one clue on how to make it better.

So with all that going on inside me, I obsess about my diet now. Exercising especially. Down 19 lbs and only 1 more to go to reach my goal for the month and then it's on to my next goal. I need to feel success about something and I need to get myself in control in any situation. I'm just so tired of all the confusion around me that this is safe because it is totally reliant on me and my efforts. I hope everything will be ok again someday.

May I first say that while most of the time my blog is full of "woe is me's", I have to add more positive notes because I am feeling pretty darn good lately. On the hubs front, we are trying to work our stuff out.....ok I'm trying to find a way to deal and he happily has no idea...that of course will be a continuing saga I'm sure.

But on a lighter note....I'm lighter!!! Down 16lbs so far and my goal is 4 more by the end of the month. I set little goals along the way for numbers that mean something to me. But really I have gained a lot too! I have gained a sense of me. I feel healthier and more lively. I'm more aware of moving my body more and being more active. I look at food as a source of fuel for me to feel better instead of a drug that I use to cover what hurts. I can be at parties and say no and really be ok with it. I am in control of me for the first time in such a long time and I can't tell you how amazing it is.

Someone at work today told me hubs won't even recognize me when he gets home. I told him if he needed pics of me I would keep sending old ones so he wouldn't even know what I looked like so when I pick him up at the airport it will be a surprise. I can't wait....well I can cause I'm not there yet. I even have two pairs of pants that I can slip off without unbuttoning them....that's so cool!!!

So next goal is on board....I'll check back with ya on that one.

Tonight I graduated with my BBA. Hubs watched my kids for the first time by himself the night I started the program two years ago. I always expected to see him in the audience during the ceremony and being there to hug me when I got done and tell me how proud he is of me. But tonight, no hubs, just a room full of people that somehow made me feel so alone inside.

I guess that means that despite what we are going through during this deployment, that I love him with my whole heart. I just want it to be us again.

So here's to hubs, I missed you tonight and I love you.

Today's the day I have reached my limitations on how much I can take. Believe me when I say it's ugly.

During a chat today with hubs he told me that he wants to change units when he gets home to go to a unit his friend just joined this past winter. A unit who happens to be in the process of training for their deployment sometime within the next year or two. So I say, but won't you have to deploy if they do, he says he'll have to deploy at least once more before his contract is done but he might be able to get out of it if they go.

My desired reaction: stop typing, close the chat, turn off the computer, get in my car and keep driving until I can get far enough away for it to not hurt anymore.

My response: my heart is broken.

The right thing to say..probably not, but come on. We're not even halfway done with this deployment and now you bring up that when you get home after a year being gone that you might be deployed right away again and I'm supposed to smile and say "good for you honey!"?!?!?!

Well I can't. May 25th marks our 1 year anniversary and so far I still don't feel like I'm even married. I feel like I found another boss to work for while I'm not at work. I honestly could not take a deployment right after he gets home. I'm being totally honest and sincere when I say that it will destroy us because it will destroy me. This has already taken what life I had in me completely out. My friends all laugh and enjoy that I get overly funny when I'm stressed out because I need someone to laugh around me because I feel so empty inside. He volunteered to go on this deployment because his "boys" were going and they have to stick together and now all he wants is out. And now because his friend will be deploying he should be with him. Well, when is it going to be my turn? I just want to feel normal again. I would love not to feel so angry all the time and most of all I would love to not have to live this double life of pretending to everyone else that everything is ok. It's not. I'm not. I just don't know what to do anymore.

So far it has been 2 weeks and I am down 14 lbs. I am exercising and eating very healthy. I have been able to say no to the "just a little won't hurt" situations and have felt stronger in myself than I have for a long time.

Hubs seems to be concerned now that I am doing this so I can find a new man. Why do they do that? He doesn't seem to be honestly upset about it but he wouldn't have said it if he wasn't at least thinking about it. I told him that I just want to make sure I'm the first pick for the trophy wife phase that my son seems to think should be coming any day now since he is already in his muscle car phase. Lots of pressure for this old broad!

In all reality though, I don't think I would be able to do this if he was here. Not that he isn't supportive because he is even to the point of doing my diets with me and for him that wouldn't be good, he's already thin. Just because I needed this deployment to push me out of my self loathing nest and really decide to make a change. I guess the deployment gave me enough anger and frustration that it had to come out somewhere and it wasn't going to be him, so here I am. I am happier and stronger and hopeful for the first time in a VERY long time. I go to bed every night and picture what I want to look like when he comes home and what kind of outfit I'm going to wear. It keeps me motivated and I get to play dress up without all the costume changes!

Anyway, happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Hug your babies close and for all the moms whose babies are serving our country, I hope you get the hug that you need from them really soon.