Today was a horrible day. I had to have a conversation with my husband that I was trying at all costs to avoid, but it couldn't be anymore. It left me feeling dead inside like I do now. But then I came home and a story was on the news about Johnathan Cote, the contractor that was kidnapped in Iraq a year ago. Read his story here.
I sobbed so hard I had to leave the room so the kids didn't think something was wrong with me. I didn't know him or his family and yet if I was young enough to join the military, I think this would have been the incentive to do it. WTF????? They kidnapped him a year ago. His family has had to live with the unknown and the horrible unknown at that for a year! I've been going on and on about how I'm going to get through this year and all this time this family has waited for some word of their son/brother/etc. and not knowing anything. I can't imagine the hell that must have been for them and I just am so angry that these monsters put them all through that. I'm so pissed right now!!! I'm crying again just writing about it because it frustrates me that this is still happening when we've been there for 5 friggin years!!!! And every time you turn around you hear stories about how they have to get clearance from everyone and Moses just to be able to protect themselves in a warzone....it blows my mind. A few weeks ago the family received word that one of his fingers was positively identified as one of the 5 they received. Just weeks ago. They kept him alive for a year. They kept the family's hope alive for a year. They kept his hope alive for a year that he would be rescued and that those men would come to justice. And then they destroyed the lives of so many by taking the life of one and I want them to be punished for it. God help me, I just want to see some kind of justice in this life. For the families and little kids who won't ever see their dads or moms again because they went to fight the bad guys. The bad guys can't win anymore...they just can't. The one left at home need justice.
Who am I to decide what is justice. I don't know. I don't know what I want that will make me feel like everything is ok again. I don't think it's out there. I truly wish it was. His family has operated with grace and peacefullness through this whole ordeal and I wish I could too, but I've had enough. I've just had enough of the hell that has been residing on earth. I just want it to stop.
Tomorrow I would like to wake up and everything will be normal. Things will be ok again and there won't be anything else to worry about or think about. What I wouldn't give right now for the chance to be a kid again.
Just waiting....wondering.....hoping to wake up and realize all of it is just a dream.
It's not.....he's gone. I'm here. So much is happening right now that I want to talk to him about but I can't. How is it possible that this will get better?!!
Today, I am having a difficult time pretending I want to listen to people complain about things that I perceive as being stupid. I know, to them it isn't, but I just can't help it, I'm crabby. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned and felt more anxious as the minutes ticked by. Partly because I have a new opportunity that is a bit of risk, but I think I'm going for it, so I'm nervous about that. The other part is that I feel so conflicted all the time about my relationship. I love him, but I'm sick of feeling like I'm around so I can take care of things. He still doesn't know when my birthday is. Yes, it's trivial, but I know everything about him and I just feel like he can't even be bothered to remember a day that is the only thing I have that is just about me. I couldn't feel any less special. So, that started my mind on a journey into "things he's done to piss me off" land. Then I couldn't stop thinking because I felt guilty then that I'm being so selfish while he's getting shot at. But is it wrong to want to know you are the most valued thing to someone when you go out of your way to make them feel that way?
Being a relatively strong individual who really isn't afraid of being alone, I never expected to be feeling the way that I do. I'm almost in a panic that I can't call him or text him or even email with the expectation he will be able to read it. It's like we have been blocked off from each other completely and I feel it in my stomach all the time.
I check the time there all day long, trying to imagine "what is he doing"...."is he sleeping now?"...."when will I hear his voice again?".
He officially landed a couple days ago and it is really happening now. No more wondering or waiting....it's here. From the ladies who have responded to my blog in the past, I guess this will get better. There will come a day again, when I will feel ok, but right now, it's just hard.
My temper is amazingly short too. I don't want to let anyone in right now. Some friends think since he's gone now we should be able to go and do whatever all the time. I don't feel like it right now and I'm pissed that they think this is some kind of vacation for me or something. I'm pissed when people complain about stupid things. I'm pissed when someone asks about him that I know really doesn't care about the answer but I'm thier token "support the soldier" gesture.
I'm just pissed......this life isn't fair, it isn't right. Because stupid people out there decided we weren't fit to live because we don't agree with their beliefs we have to send people that we love and cherish into their hands so they can try to kill them! WTF!!!!!!! What made them think they have the right to decided who should live or die? How do they wake up every morning and spend their day planning the deaths of whoever they can take because they think it's what their god commands of them. I don't remember anyone asking me if it was ok to take my husband for year away from his family, away from me so he can trek around dodging bullets because they don't think he should be alive. I know what my answer would have been......and I'm certain it would be the same for all the wives and children and families who spend their days and nights alone wondering if everything really will be ok like their soldier told them before he/she left.
You know what, it's not ok. It won't be ok until we all can hold our soldier close again and smell them and hear thier heart beating while we lay our heads on thier chest. That's when it will be ok again, and I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that this year will go by fast. Really....well are you going to curl up with me during the nights when my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest and I can't quiet the voices in my head. Are you going to play with my kids and do fun things with them while I go have a good cry so I don't have to wait until they are asleep? Are you going to fly over there and see how fast the year goes by in a warzone? No....probably not, so stop expecting me to be flitting around like I'm some sort of fairy from happy land. Stop condemning me when I feel sad or when I'm worried or lonely. Stop trying to give me the snippets of advise that have nothing to do with my life, but help you get through your 1/2 hour of separation when you go shopping and hubs is at home.....awwww poor girl.
Well, time to slap on the happy, brave "I'm ok" face and get back to my life. Crap.
An ever growing list of deployment frustrations....
3 comments Posted by Rookie Army National Guard Wife at 1:59 PM- Feedback on the phone when you are trying to have a conversation about nothing.
- The conversation is about nothing because you can't think of anything that seems even remotely important when hubs is in a warzone.
- Having to explain where he is or when you last talked to him a thousand times to different people all day long when all you really want to do is not think about it for a few minutes.
- Becoming an expert in the communications industry for international calling.
- People think you're joking when you tell them you've had enough.
- Picking up the phone to text or call when something cool happens only to realize, they won't get it.
- Balancing the checkbook only to check later and realize they took out more.
- Trying to find the perfect thing to send him, find it, send it, only to have him ask for something literally right after the package is mailed.
- Doing laundry and finding some of his clothes he wore while he was home and smelling them in hopes to get the last whiff of him before you wash it away.
- Realizing that you are every bit a girl even when you try to be so darn tough.
- Constantly doing the math in your head every time you look at your clock to figure out what time it is over there.
They keep postponing the departure date. Not that I mind the fact that it will be less time in country, but I know it is wearing on everyone. Our conversations are strained to say the least. There really isn't anything new to talk about, but yet we still want to talk because soon we won't be able to as much. I find myself talking about the dumbest stuff, just to hold a conversation because I can't stand the silence either.
When I look back on the last year, I realize that I still don't know what being married is like. I was married 10 years ago and that definitely was a mistake and jaded my view of marriage, so when we got married this past May I was excited to have my feelings about it change. But the situation has been such that I still don't know what it really feels like.
I still have people complain to me that they don't get to see their husbands as much as they would like because they work opposite shifts. How can they not stop and think that hey you still crawl into bed together everynight and feel them sleeping there next to you and you know they are safe. I don't. I crawl into our bed alone and soon I will be laying there wondering where he is, what he is doing, and if he is ok. How can they not understand it's like punching me in the gut everytime they say stuff like that?! Why do I have to point it out, doesn't anyone think outside of their own lives to be able to see when someone is hurting? I'm not going to tell them. I'm not going to ask for help. Yes, I am stubborn and in the long run I may have things to deal with in order to be normal again when he gets home, but I'm not going to run around trying to find someone who cares, knowing that just don't really know how.
Put on a happy face. Pretend it's all good. No one knows because no one is really looking into my eyes to know. Even I fool myself. I go through the day, thinking of all the stuff the kids and I can do this summer and how much fun we are going to have, like everything is normal and the sad truth is that it is normal. He wasn't around for so much time after we got married because he was always training. Our lives haven't really changed since I was single and when I really allow myself to think about it, I'm pissed. I'm angry that I allowed myself to love again when I only chose someone who wouldn't be there and I would be on my own again. I want to be pampered and loved and important to my partner, but how could I have all the things I always wanted a marriage to be when my husband isn't here? I know it's selfish, but it's how I feel right now.
I asked him if he thought our marriage was strong enough to last during a year of being apart and he said yes. No hesitance, nothing. Just yes. So, if he believes it why am I so scared?